I have for years identified with the words or the sounds conveyed by musical artist in my more years the promises of God have been brought to life through the words of others and often that which I wish that I could express are also expressed through others.
Lately in church the worship that has been choosen is not evoking a response but is voicing that which I can not articulate. And thus I am humbled and torn my heart breaking and rejoicing, crying out to our Lord and feeling His prescence and joy in these times. Previously I was responding to the music and then God; you know how a beat can move you to dance throw your hands out or sing along, which is all good and still in celebration but I was not fully in it. But recently I feel like some one has looked into my heart and has taken a sample of where I am at with my faith and my relience on God in my life. Expressing the relationship that I desire, the joy and peace that I covet, the pain that I am carring instead of burying, the love that I so despeartly pine for and the anguish of my sins and the consiquences that have had on me on others. I see Jesus on the cross for every ill word that I have spoken, every lustful thought or action I have taken part in, every lie big or small, every glare or sigh in frustration, fear and anger that I let consume me, every indescretion self absorded behavior that I exhibit. And yet by God's grace He forgiven me all of these things and died for me. I truly truly do not deserve this I know that deserving is not what it is about but my God what you have done for me.
A song that I have been really conected to right now that is truly conveying what my heart desires is below:
NEEDTOBREATHE - Something Beautiful
In your ocean, I'm ankle deep
I feel the waves crashin' on my feet
It's like I know where I need to be
But I can't figure out, yeah I can't figure out
Just how much air I will need to breathe
When your tide rushes over me
There's only one way to figure out
Will ya let me drown, will ya let me drown
Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful
And the water is risin' quick
And for years I was scared of it
We can't be sure when it will subside
So I won't leave your side, no I can't leave your side
Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful
In a daydream, I couldn't live like thisI wouldn't stop until I found something beautiful
When I wake up, I know I will have
No, I still won't have what I need
Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful (fade out)
Friday, November 13, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Enough
God you have answered my prayers and those of my friends thank you God. That is enough enough of the drama the indecision and the mistreatment of each of us. You Lord are enough.
enough
enough
enough.
enough
enough
enough.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Time in motion
So I could spend this time reflecting on the last year and all that has changed good and not so good. It's been pretty emotional but the future is looking a little brighter not to be too cliche or anything. I continue to struggle with some of the same things but I feel that there may be progress here particularly with my relationship with Christ. It took a friend saying to me that she loves that I have such a desire to be intimate and closer with Jesus. Then I realized that it's not that I don't have Him I just want more out of our relationship; but I continue to block it with my irrational decisions to seek love and intimacy in humans rather then God and I felt that I was just battling Him for something that I already am promised. I was telling this friend that I was angry over a certain situation and ready to move on. And that I feared that I do not know how to let myself be loved. I guess that I waited too long to write this because I can not remember all that lead up to the conversation I remember crying and venting but I have to say it was a divine moment the Holy spirit was present and I felt so much of God's love with me after that night.
I have had the opportunity to see many of my friends this year make major life decisions lead by Christ, engagements moving for work, ministry, school all a blessing. Others and I feel kinda lost in the shuffle and a little lonely even, searching for God's plan for each of us.
I recently have reengaged with Jesus serving the community and loving my Veterans i know that they don't all have upstanding lives and have met trials of their own doing and that of others but they loved just as much as my self and my friends that are so yearning to be loved. This past weekend my friends and I served at a local food pantry and what a humbling and beautifully exhausting experience. I met people there and got to hear their stories whether new or old stories they are moving and the Holy Spirit moved me to be able to pray with and for these patrons in their time of need. If any of you know me praying out loud is a fear of mine so this is really a blessing. In the last couple years I have felt compelled to pray with others and it goes well but only by God's grace. Anyway there was this young lady that after I did her interview I asked if there was anything that I could pray for her, she politely declined and said no I am and atheist, but then she asked how she could get connected and serve at the food pantry. I was floored and praised God in that moment and several following because this food pantry is in the basement of a church and run by other churches that volunteer there. I gave the young lady the information she would need to come help out, please pray that she returns many times to be served and to serve. Pray that while there the Lord would meet her and bless her in ways she never knew possible. Pray above anything that she would know the love of Jesus.
I am also learning to let go a little, which is a constant theme for me. I am learning to give it a try what ever as long as it is not harmful or against God. Keeping my mind open to many possibilities and letting God know that I am open to options.
Options/plans at this time:
NA certification
Apply for and finish nursing degree
Move to Italy
Return to South Africa 2010
Go sky diving this summer ( I knowing coming to the end of the summer)
Date and be okay doing so with an open non judgemental mind but protect myself at the same time from, well the guys I usually fall for.
I have had the opportunity to see many of my friends this year make major life decisions lead by Christ, engagements moving for work, ministry, school all a blessing. Others and I feel kinda lost in the shuffle and a little lonely even, searching for God's plan for each of us.
I recently have reengaged with Jesus serving the community and loving my Veterans i know that they don't all have upstanding lives and have met trials of their own doing and that of others but they loved just as much as my self and my friends that are so yearning to be loved. This past weekend my friends and I served at a local food pantry and what a humbling and beautifully exhausting experience. I met people there and got to hear their stories whether new or old stories they are moving and the Holy Spirit moved me to be able to pray with and for these patrons in their time of need. If any of you know me praying out loud is a fear of mine so this is really a blessing. In the last couple years I have felt compelled to pray with others and it goes well but only by God's grace. Anyway there was this young lady that after I did her interview I asked if there was anything that I could pray for her, she politely declined and said no I am and atheist, but then she asked how she could get connected and serve at the food pantry. I was floored and praised God in that moment and several following because this food pantry is in the basement of a church and run by other churches that volunteer there. I gave the young lady the information she would need to come help out, please pray that she returns many times to be served and to serve. Pray that while there the Lord would meet her and bless her in ways she never knew possible. Pray above anything that she would know the love of Jesus.
I am also learning to let go a little, which is a constant theme for me. I am learning to give it a try what ever as long as it is not harmful or against God. Keeping my mind open to many possibilities and letting God know that I am open to options.
Options/plans at this time:
NA certification
Apply for and finish nursing degree
Move to Italy
Return to South Africa 2010
Go sky diving this summer ( I knowing coming to the end of the summer)
Date and be okay doing so with an open non judgemental mind but protect myself at the same time from, well the guys I usually fall for.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
discomfort
So I have embarked on a new mission lately, like I mentioned before I have put myself on a dating website. I believe that this was a way for me to push myself to move on from another relationship, it has yet to work; however I did go on a limb and have communicated and met one guy. Nothing that I am excited about but I do feel that God is teaching me something. My FB status today is about how uncomfortable I have been in life lately but I have hope that I will learn much from all of this. I have faced what feels like demons that tempt me into my past prior to believing in and know Jesus and God's redemptive love and promises. A person from my past has resurfaced that I have issues being connected to since we were last close teen years ago. i am trying to have peace in making the decision to not let them back into my life even through something as simple as FB. Every time this person reenters my life I end up hurt, by what seems to me as pettiness and conjuring up the past with lack of regard to how it may make me feel. To shorten it they feel it important to keep abreast of the things in the lives of the people I have no contact with and have no desire to be in contact with because my past was my past, painful, dark for some time. God mercifully has delivered me out of that life and has shown me forgiveness and how to forgive other but I hope to protect my self from rehashing all that yuck. And then there is this jacked up relationship at work that I will not get into.
And then there is the website, I went out with this guy twice giving him a chance but I really had no interest even when I initially contacted him, but I have learned a little bit about becoming comfortable in the dating area, meeting new people independent of my close friends that I rely heavily on for that. I am learning to think and talk through things ask for advice when to call it a night instead of sitting through a painfully long dinner just to be polite, to know my parameters and what scenarios I am comfortable in for a date. And I will learn how to reply to this person if they contact me again that I am not interested. Nobody ever wants to hear that and really does any one want to be the one to say that they are not interested.
I am very blessed to have such a wise friend who talked me through a lot of this tonight and again gave me some very good advice.
And then there is the website, I went out with this guy twice giving him a chance but I really had no interest even when I initially contacted him, but I have learned a little bit about becoming comfortable in the dating area, meeting new people independent of my close friends that I rely heavily on for that. I am learning to think and talk through things ask for advice when to call it a night instead of sitting through a painfully long dinner just to be polite, to know my parameters and what scenarios I am comfortable in for a date. And I will learn how to reply to this person if they contact me again that I am not interested. Nobody ever wants to hear that and really does any one want to be the one to say that they are not interested.
I am very blessed to have such a wise friend who talked me through a lot of this tonight and again gave me some very good advice.
Friday, May 29, 2009
stretching
It's funny how God stretches you. the last two session with my personal trainer have been exhausting emotionally and physically not sure with more, and yes I said personal trainer. we have been doing some very intense stretches the last two times and I found my self prostrate and crying, first I felt like I was going to suffocate, and I can not relax into the stretch. it's one particular stretch that I can not keep it in I don't know what it is about with this position. Behind me my trainer says what ever it is let it out. It's funny as I was really stressed this week and today that I was angry and upset about somethings that I was determined that when I left work was going to have a good work out and that it was going to be physicaly hard, I was set on running the bleachers. But I got home calmed down a bit talked to a couple of friends on the phone and just chilled. When we began the workout with a walk as usual it began to rain we saw rainbows and for the first time in I don't know how long I was not excited about seeing a rainbow, in fact I was down right discontent and well unkind and sassy through out the work out. I felt like I could not do what was being asked of me and that I did not have the energy to do so. My energy lately is else where and as we went through the work out and the stretches I was thinking about how exhausted, angry, frustrated and sad I am. As all of this is releasing during my stretching it occurs to me that the reason that I wanted to do the bleachers, as if it is not obvious, is that I wanted to muscle through the pain and be distracted so that I would not have to face my spiritual pain. "It hurts doesn't it, our physical pain is often related to our emotional pain" I hear from behind me. I know this concept I am very familair with the physical manifestations of pain I see it daily, I have even heard christain docotors speak about it and how they pray with thier clients for relief. I am grateful that my trainer was there praying for me whithout knowing why I was crying and with out me knowing until later that he was praying.
It hurts when God stretches us and reveals the things that we need to let go. I think, that I get what he is trying to show me, I know for sure that he is showing me that there are things I need to let go of, and that I am not releasing them.
God keep stretching me please.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
So it occurred to me the other night that I had created this blog as a way for a few friends of mine and myself to communicate with each other and the world about missions and out reach. I soon after had to succumb to the reality that I would not be on the same mission trip as they and this became my blog. It has taken a transition into more of a journal which is not bad, but per the name it should be spreading hope and highlighting missions which has yet to do.
So here I start, I will begin this summer to work and save money as well as my vacation time at work so that I may return to South Africa this next April.
A friend of mine once told me that we do not have to leave this place, that we are on a mission here, in our everyday lives in our work. She and I both work in hospitals and care for people, having this type of job we are called to love those we serve and those we work along side. ( I know we are all called to love all of God's people). The people I serve on a daily basis are those that are often misunderstood, oppressed, desperate, judged, forsaken, forsaking, drug addicted, financially afflicted, and some times lost or seeking. No this does not make me any more of a Christian or loving person then the next guy, if anything I think that I often fall short of this command from God to love my neighbor as myself. I have lately been preoccupied by my own life desires and struggles, I now have to pull my self out of this and look to God for the strength to do so. A wise friend of mine wrote me once "Our humility before God comes by admitting to Him that we are powerless to change ourselves, but only by the power of His Spirit do we ever have hope of walking worthy of this calling. By concentrating our focus on our behavior, we are focusing on ourselves. By focusing on God's transforming power, we are focusing on God, and all the while thanking him and giving him credit for the work." I hope to be more in this place of humility and less in my own self centered life.
So here I start, I will begin this summer to work and save money as well as my vacation time at work so that I may return to South Africa this next April.
A friend of mine once told me that we do not have to leave this place, that we are on a mission here, in our everyday lives in our work. She and I both work in hospitals and care for people, having this type of job we are called to love those we serve and those we work along side. ( I know we are all called to love all of God's people). The people I serve on a daily basis are those that are often misunderstood, oppressed, desperate, judged, forsaken, forsaking, drug addicted, financially afflicted, and some times lost or seeking. No this does not make me any more of a Christian or loving person then the next guy, if anything I think that I often fall short of this command from God to love my neighbor as myself. I have lately been preoccupied by my own life desires and struggles, I now have to pull my self out of this and look to God for the strength to do so. A wise friend of mine wrote me once "Our humility before God comes by admitting to Him that we are powerless to change ourselves, but only by the power of His Spirit do we ever have hope of walking worthy of this calling. By concentrating our focus on our behavior, we are focusing on ourselves. By focusing on God's transforming power, we are focusing on God, and all the while thanking him and giving him credit for the work." I hope to be more in this place of humility and less in my own self centered life.
Monday, May 18, 2009
I am sad I have made a decision one that I have been making often lately. I have made the decision to take a break from certain things in my life interpersonal relationships, stressing out about some things, cutting back on things, elements in my life and diet that I am not responding to well. Decisions are always hard. I spent Saturday evening purging things from my past, objects that I have acquired over many years. It is draining physically and emotionally.
Friday, May 8, 2009
So, I filled out a profile on a dating website, yes I broke down I am now out there for all the Internet nuts to find me in hopes that there is a good guy out there. Any way as I filled out the profile one of the sections is "what do think a lot about?", what do I think a lot about? Of course being that it is a dating website I thought it not best to put out there as a single girl I think a tremendous amount about guys, relationships, family future. I believe that the whole lack of boyfriend situation is top on my thoughts list followed by God and the path that he has set for me and how close I am to it. Should my answer not have been that I think the most about God, how wonderful he is.
Surly my thoughts should not be consumed by things of this world.
I have not been sleeping well lately manly due to the offensive and ungodly relationship that has developed between my self and a coworker. I am struggling daily to hang on to my convictions and what I believe God to have promised me for a life and possible husband. Or I guess just what I think that God would want me to have. how does one separate ones self from temptation that lurkes around the corner and with in ones self.
I was talking to a friend on the phone the other night that at one point we were in a sort of unofficial dating relationship, I ended it the best I could, it took some time, I had had a sense that it was not right and that he was not the right person for me. But no talking to him on the phone I feel that he still has a thing for me, he has always been very complimentary, but now he has started asking questions and saying things that would refer to the two of us being together. He is a strong Christian man, kind and respectful and caring. is it strange that this started freaking me out a long time ago an done of the reasons I do not want to be with him, it's like he is too good, too positive. I am thoroughly turned of by him now, although I think he likes me instead I go to work and continue to play a game that is bound to blow up in my face unless I get a handle on it and go back to God. this man at work is egotistical, immature, even has a tattoo on his arm that says Bad guy. i have not wanted to believe that he was a bad guy I want to trust him, but I just feel that he is messing with me. No commitment, every other day he is distant or sarcastic (more so then usual) not sure exactly how to explain it. None the less I do believe that our relationship is based purely on boasting one another's ego's, more so his then mine. i found that I was truly liking him but have since really opened my eyes to who he is.
Sometimes we can actually have an inteligent converstation, which is quit nice; most of the time we flirt, he is crude and immature. Currently as I type this is begging for attention sitting only feet from me. I have discovered this that it is meaning our relationship is all about attention for him, talk to me tease me, encourage me, compliment me. He constantly is looking for who is watching him talking about him what have you. He found the weak link as feel for the cute funny and sometimes intellegent sides. then there is the man who he really is who may never settle down never have a strong sense of self and always have the ladies attention.
I wrote some time ago so I don't know if it makes any sense any more.
I wrote some time ago so I don't know if it makes any sense any more.
Monday, April 20, 2009
The way
We make decisions; we make mistakes, maybe we succeed once in a while.
Time goes by; are we proactive or reactive.
We search but for what?
Always in a rush just to wait,
We wait; in the car, in line, online, on the phone, for what?
Then we are angry, sad, discontent that what we were searching for came and went while we were waiting.
Maybe it went to another town, state or country,
We rationalize chasing it only to find our selves lost, eventually returning home.
What is home, who is there is anyone waiting?
We are comforted, He is waiting to welcome us home, waiting on us, patient and loving, whispering that in His time all will come to pass, all that we search for is in Him.
We do not have to wait without direction or hope because he will guide us, He will share His wisdom if only we ask, if only we stop being independent, and lean on Him, trust Him.
If we wander away He will always receive us joyfully.
Praise the Lord for He is the way.
Time goes by; are we proactive or reactive.
We search but for what?
Always in a rush just to wait,
We wait; in the car, in line, online, on the phone, for what?
Then we are angry, sad, discontent that what we were searching for came and went while we were waiting.
Maybe it went to another town, state or country,
We rationalize chasing it only to find our selves lost, eventually returning home.
What is home, who is there is anyone waiting?
We are comforted, He is waiting to welcome us home, waiting on us, patient and loving, whispering that in His time all will come to pass, all that we search for is in Him.
We do not have to wait without direction or hope because he will guide us, He will share His wisdom if only we ask, if only we stop being independent, and lean on Him, trust Him.
If we wander away He will always receive us joyfully.
Praise the Lord for He is the way.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Just feel like blogging
I was made really happy today as I realized that God has things figured out and I am hoping that the revelation that I had is from Him and will be orchestrated as such: I apply for the nursing program by December 15th and should hear by March if I got in (according to a student colleague of mine) then classes would start in the fall of 2010. if my calculations are correct and Nursing classes do not start in this summer term that means I should be able to return to South Africa in April of 2010. Of course work would have to comply with God's and my plans. That means just 80 hours off work and $3700 + . oh well I will just work a lot this summer and fall and well next summer if I am not in classes. In the long run this makes getting up every day worth it and encourages me that I will be serving God in the most amazing way going to his people that are in dire need of love and tangible items but that I get to be loved as I too realize that I am blessed but that I too am in need of God's unconditional love. (I hope that this makes sense as I write feverishly)
I have been thinking as I have been trying to anticipate God's plan for my life ( I know you can laugh I am) about what do I want, what does God want. (I have wondered this much an have yet to answer it)
I want: In no order of importance but meerly in order of presentation
To Please God (okay this is number one)
To not be afraid of myself, I just read a devotional the other day to not fear making a mistake to not be afraid of myself and to just make the choice. Joyce Myer was not condoning misbehavior or reckless choices but to enjoy the choices and if you make a mistake by God's grace all will be kosher(of course paraphrased)
To be healthier, remember that commercial about the lady that was so unhealthy and over weight that she could not keep up with her child at play. I have a patient right now who has a similar story and told me her daughter was the one who motivated her to get off the couch and get healthier because they could not spend any time together. I fear that this will be me.
To have the will power to make the healthy eating and physical behavior decisions that support the previous want.
Want a man, a Godly man, one that is supportive, funny, talented, smart, that loves me in the way that God intended, passionate and strong physically mentally and spiritually. Looks help but not necessary God what ever you see fit for me.
To maintain a warm welcoming home, it's kinda messy right now since I don't have much time, energy or motivation to keep it up.
A family, children
To travel, India, SA, Ireland, Italy.
To be a missionary
To be a nurse
To love my job, my coworkers
To continue to build good relationships with people in my community and my workplace, (okay need to work a little more at this)
To love God's people here in the D (sometimes I forget to see Jesus in everyone)
To have patience, mercy, grace, peace Joy.
To not keep doing what I always do wrong.
Strength to move on when appropriate.
To know when is appropriate.
To not get so attached and emotional.
To stop playing games no matter how fun when I know that they are no good for me.
To not fall for the wrong guy all the time.
To not think so much, to relax (in the right situation, God give me peace with this)
To let go of the things that I have already asked for forgiveness for.
To see Jason Mraz in concert (he is on Pandora right now, I had to put something frivolous down)
For my parents to be healthy and happy for God's provision to continue for them, for some security and that they know that by God they have what they have and by human error have to give up what they have to; but for the family to know that we are still blessed.
Faith that God will meet me in my needs and maybe some of my wants and desires.
Okay that's it for now.
I have been thinking as I have been trying to anticipate God's plan for my life ( I know you can laugh I am) about what do I want, what does God want. (I have wondered this much an have yet to answer it)
I want: In no order of importance but meerly in order of presentation
To Please God (okay this is number one)
To not be afraid of myself, I just read a devotional the other day to not fear making a mistake to not be afraid of myself and to just make the choice. Joyce Myer was not condoning misbehavior or reckless choices but to enjoy the choices and if you make a mistake by God's grace all will be kosher(of course paraphrased)
To be healthier, remember that commercial about the lady that was so unhealthy and over weight that she could not keep up with her child at play. I have a patient right now who has a similar story and told me her daughter was the one who motivated her to get off the couch and get healthier because they could not spend any time together. I fear that this will be me.
To have the will power to make the healthy eating and physical behavior decisions that support the previous want.
Want a man, a Godly man, one that is supportive, funny, talented, smart, that loves me in the way that God intended, passionate and strong physically mentally and spiritually. Looks help but not necessary God what ever you see fit for me.
To maintain a warm welcoming home, it's kinda messy right now since I don't have much time, energy or motivation to keep it up.
A family, children
To travel, India, SA, Ireland, Italy.
To be a missionary
To be a nurse
To love my job, my coworkers
To continue to build good relationships with people in my community and my workplace, (okay need to work a little more at this)
To love God's people here in the D (sometimes I forget to see Jesus in everyone)
To have patience, mercy, grace, peace Joy.
To not keep doing what I always do wrong.
Strength to move on when appropriate.
To know when is appropriate.
To not get so attached and emotional.
To stop playing games no matter how fun when I know that they are no good for me.
To not fall for the wrong guy all the time.
To not think so much, to relax (in the right situation, God give me peace with this)
To let go of the things that I have already asked for forgiveness for.
To see Jason Mraz in concert (he is on Pandora right now, I had to put something frivolous down)
For my parents to be healthy and happy for God's provision to continue for them, for some security and that they know that by God they have what they have and by human error have to give up what they have to; but for the family to know that we are still blessed.
Faith that God will meet me in my needs and maybe some of my wants and desires.
Okay that's it for now.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Prayer
For some reason I woke this morning with this prayer in on my mind:
O God and Heavenly Father,
Grant to us the serenity of mind to accept that which cannot be changed;courage to change that which can be changed, and wisdom to know the one from the other, through Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen.
I think that the plaque that is hidden in my house now has both these prayers on it:
Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury,pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen
I wish that I was this in tune with the spirit but am grateful for the words of the wise that have come and gone before me.
I these difficult times I am struggling to remain joyful and grateful for all the blessings that I and my family have received thus far and if we have to give up some of the comforts and pleasures we remain blessed.
In these potentially darkening times may Christ be my light and life that I would not mourn that which has come to pass for my treasures shall be stored on heaven and not on this earth. May my family's story and perseverance be a testament of God's grace, mercy, love and provision.
O God and Heavenly Father,
Grant to us the serenity of mind to accept that which cannot be changed;courage to change that which can be changed, and wisdom to know the one from the other, through Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen.
I think that the plaque that is hidden in my house now has both these prayers on it:
Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury,pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen
I wish that I was this in tune with the spirit but am grateful for the words of the wise that have come and gone before me.
I these difficult times I am struggling to remain joyful and grateful for all the blessings that I and my family have received thus far and if we have to give up some of the comforts and pleasures we remain blessed.
In these potentially darkening times may Christ be my light and life that I would not mourn that which has come to pass for my treasures shall be stored on heaven and not on this earth. May my family's story and perseverance be a testament of God's grace, mercy, love and provision.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Instinct
Trust your gut, I often have heavy feelings, strong internal intuition that says that this/that is not right. I intellectually know right from wrong but like any one my judgement can be clouded. Some how I ignore this intuition and chase choices that can be difficult to deal with. I am going to be comfortable with my gut feelings and own them, of course there is always the fear that I could be wrong but if I place my trust in God He will surely show me the right way. I am a hopeful romantic and get caught up in the idea of serendipity, and spirit of destiny. I begin to read coincidences as signs that I believe are God sharing with me my fate, I historically am incorrect. It raining, a name matching, or the same course of action taking place, a common interest in a song or place does not make a relationship more probable or meant to be. This seems a paradox that I know what my gut is saying and yet get caught up in the fancies of a romantic comedy. I at this point in my life am vowing to not give in to the lavish idea of serendipity and roll with God's plan.
Lord protect me from myself, protect my heart from falling in love with love, protect my heart and mind from those around me that challenge my commitment to you. Lord help me to be strong in my convictions and sense of what is right, to trust that you have instilled in me an instinct and to trust it and own it. Let Your will not mine be done and may my decisions glorify You.
Lord protect me from myself, protect my heart from falling in love with love, protect my heart and mind from those around me that challenge my commitment to you. Lord help me to be strong in my convictions and sense of what is right, to trust that you have instilled in me an instinct and to trust it and own it. Let Your will not mine be done and may my decisions glorify You.
"Slumdog not so much"
I am no more blessed then any one else right? What counts me so special? I just watched Slumdog Millionaire and am daunted, if that is the right word, but not surprised by what happens in other countries to the innocent, the young the already beaten down and disparaged. I see these two little boys doing all that they can to survive, and escaping tremendous danger daily, I began to wonder how blessed am I? there is no way to quantify it. Did God bless me with letting me be born and raised here in comfortable America, where I did not "really" know about such horrible things as modern day genocide, human trafficking, drug cartels, poverty in it's most extreme, until I was in my mid twenties. Yeah maybe I was sheltered and naive; but my word does that make me blessed? Or did God place me here in America knowing that I would never have the strength, courage, raw intellect or faith to survive in an under developed conflicted country like India, South Africa, Ecuador. Now I realize that this is a movie but so much of it is true, the footage of the slums and the impromptu attack on people of a different belief, the vast difference between classes in India and children with out parents susceptible to the depravity of adults. I spoken with a gentlemen at work some about growing up in Indian, I also have the unique opportunity to work along side several people from the Philippines where much of the same is seen, as well as what I have seen with my own eyes in South Africa. people all over the world are hurting, yes even here in America, but I get to sit comfortably at my computer and blog about my thoughts after seeing such things on the big screen.
I know that I am blessed, I don't ask how blessed am I, to one up any one even if an answer were possible; I ask because I fear that if I ever end up in such a way of life that I would not survive. I hope that through the blessing of living in a country as a female I can be educated, have a career, live independently, have access to food and water and a toilette that is not a hole in the ground and private, medical care and so many other things that I may have forgotten, that I can be a blessing to others.
I might be rambling, hope not.
The point is I guess is that I just have to believe that God has a plan and He knows what he is doing. He uses us each differently as we all come from different cultures, educational and economical standings.
I know that I am blessed, I don't ask how blessed am I, to one up any one even if an answer were possible; I ask because I fear that if I ever end up in such a way of life that I would not survive. I hope that through the blessing of living in a country as a female I can be educated, have a career, live independently, have access to food and water and a toilette that is not a hole in the ground and private, medical care and so many other things that I may have forgotten, that I can be a blessing to others.
I might be rambling, hope not.
The point is I guess is that I just have to believe that God has a plan and He knows what he is doing. He uses us each differently as we all come from different cultures, educational and economical standings.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Psalm 13
Last night God shared with me His understanding of my heart, as I lie waiting to sleep I opened my bible to this passage, God showed me how I was hurting;
Psalm 13 (New International Version)
For the director of music. A psalm of David.
1 How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.
Let me highlight exactly what I was feeling, the verses just jumped off the page at me, I fell asleep with verse 2 resounding in my head and awoke at some point to have verses 5 and 6 circulating;
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Daily I struggle with my enemy in the form of my coworkers challenging me, my loneliness, lust, anger, fear,sorrow, you name it. It all sits heavily on my heart, I begin to feel defeated.
3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
I beg God for clarity, for answers, for direction, for the things that I hope for and feel as if I have no answers. My mind lingers on the edge of reason and bargaining with God, which I know can not be done. I ask for His light before I fall back into death.
4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
I feel as though the devil is sitting in waiting, waiting for me to give up. Give up my life that is in Christ, my convictions, beliefs and faith. The devil gets in to my head in the middle of prayer and contemplation, he stands in my path, he speaks in my ear and dances around me throwing old and new temptations in my face. And here my mind settles on asking why.
Why have I not what I desire, why is God not answering me, who is to love and take care of me, why do I lack peace, joy and trust? Why do I make decisions that lead me away from God?
1 How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.
Who am I to think that God has turned His face from me? I have turned form Him. Who am I to ask for anything of my God?
God opened this passage to me and answered me, King David had no shame in asking for protection, guidance, to be near God or for God to be present in King David's own faith shaking turmoil, and through everything God did not leave David.
God wants me to ask ,He wants to answer, He loves me and wants me to love Him. He wants to be praised for His unfailing love for me.
It may not be clear how I got all of this from this passage but I know with out a doubt that God was coming to me in my time of need. I know that he knows, even if I don't feel I am getting an answer. He has not ignored my tears, my crying out, my words mumbled or my thoughts, and He compassionately showed me that He knows but did not reprimand me for my thoughts but that He understands.
Psalm 13 (New International Version)
For the director of music. A psalm of David.
1 How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.
Let me highlight exactly what I was feeling, the verses just jumped off the page at me, I fell asleep with verse 2 resounding in my head and awoke at some point to have verses 5 and 6 circulating;
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Daily I struggle with my enemy in the form of my coworkers challenging me, my loneliness, lust, anger, fear,sorrow, you name it. It all sits heavily on my heart, I begin to feel defeated.
3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
I beg God for clarity, for answers, for direction, for the things that I hope for and feel as if I have no answers. My mind lingers on the edge of reason and bargaining with God, which I know can not be done. I ask for His light before I fall back into death.
4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
I feel as though the devil is sitting in waiting, waiting for me to give up. Give up my life that is in Christ, my convictions, beliefs and faith. The devil gets in to my head in the middle of prayer and contemplation, he stands in my path, he speaks in my ear and dances around me throwing old and new temptations in my face. And here my mind settles on asking why.
Why have I not what I desire, why is God not answering me, who is to love and take care of me, why do I lack peace, joy and trust? Why do I make decisions that lead me away from God?
1 How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.
Who am I to think that God has turned His face from me? I have turned form Him. Who am I to ask for anything of my God?
God opened this passage to me and answered me, King David had no shame in asking for protection, guidance, to be near God or for God to be present in King David's own faith shaking turmoil, and through everything God did not leave David.
God wants me to ask ,He wants to answer, He loves me and wants me to love Him. He wants to be praised for His unfailing love for me.
It may not be clear how I got all of this from this passage but I know with out a doubt that God was coming to me in my time of need. I know that he knows, even if I don't feel I am getting an answer. He has not ignored my tears, my crying out, my words mumbled or my thoughts, and He compassionately showed me that He knows but did not reprimand me for my thoughts but that He understands.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
action required
So I basically just wrote the same thing as my last post, what's up with that? Obviously I need to do something about this.
How cliche
How is it that I have spent my life looking for some kind of love when the greatest love was waiting for me? Now that I know that love it still is not enough, my heart has been acting the last couple days for the things that I want so badly but can not have at this time. Don't get me wrong my heart aches often for these things and for things of the past, lately it is just a bit stronger. I seem to be being confronted with ghosts from a former life, my life that was shrouded in death of sin, I was angry fearful and unwise. Wait I am still all these things so what is different? This whole face book thing has become not what I had thought, I feared that people that I do not want to hear from would be the first to find me, not as it they are stalking me but it was people I did not even think about, they meant so much to me back them when it was my life and my world. I see that they have what I desire most; sadly yes on any given day if you asked me what my greatest desire is 90% of the time I would say a relationship, marriage, children, 5% of the time I might remember to say that I desire greatly to please and honor God and serve in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ. I wonder how He continues to love me when I put Him on the back burner so often, I continue to try to have control of my life and understand what He is doing despite knowing that no door opens without Him, rationalizing most of my actions, fighting the strongest temptations and out of exhaustion giving in sometimes. I am weary of these battles, I get to hold some-else's child, I get to see others in relationships people I never would have guessed to have the life that I want and sad that I will not make it over seas this year. Frustrated with the intimate relationships I do build and it always ending up being with the wrong person, enraged with myself that I let myself be that vulnerable.
I seek the love which is right in front of me, forsaking it to fall in love with the wrong men in my life; thankfully I have also fallen in love with righteous people that help me to keep in line with Christ. I never knew that I could fall in love with people that I hardly knew, have only met once or twice, or people that live across the world. I also never thought that people would just love me. Not "just" love me but love me without any strings attached, without me proving myself or for being "perfect". I don't know how to accept this love, I struggle with accepting it from God, my family and even my closest friends. I don't express my love for others all that easily either, I am grateful for so many people in my life and I know that I have not told them, I hope that they know. I hope that my skewed perception of love and relationships is rehabilitated through God's grace and that I would have the strength to walk away when I know it's not the right relationship. I usually know it I get this strong ache in my gut that says run no this is not it and yet I let the relationship fester and I walk away hurt. Ick!
Lord help me to get a grip, some wisdom and strength, oh yeah patience is always a good thing to ask for, I shall wait on the Lord, all in His timing and infinite wisdom.
I seek the love which is right in front of me, forsaking it to fall in love with the wrong men in my life; thankfully I have also fallen in love with righteous people that help me to keep in line with Christ. I never knew that I could fall in love with people that I hardly knew, have only met once or twice, or people that live across the world. I also never thought that people would just love me. Not "just" love me but love me without any strings attached, without me proving myself or for being "perfect". I don't know how to accept this love, I struggle with accepting it from God, my family and even my closest friends. I don't express my love for others all that easily either, I am grateful for so many people in my life and I know that I have not told them, I hope that they know. I hope that my skewed perception of love and relationships is rehabilitated through God's grace and that I would have the strength to walk away when I know it's not the right relationship. I usually know it I get this strong ache in my gut that says run no this is not it and yet I let the relationship fester and I walk away hurt. Ick!
Lord help me to get a grip, some wisdom and strength, oh yeah patience is always a good thing to ask for, I shall wait on the Lord, all in His timing and infinite wisdom.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Love
How appropriate that just days after Valentines day I read a devotional strategically dated for the 15th Titled Learning to Love, the passage that was referenced 1 Thessalonians 3:12; 4:9.
I was sitting in the atrium at work on break there I can clear my head and speak to God or at least open my heart and mind to Him. Even if I am not verbalizing things I know that He knows all that I am feeling and thinking. I was looking around at the Veterans milling about, some with canes, wheel chairs, family members and just in my heart feeling love for these people that I don't know. I began to wonder how I can love people that I don't know and have never met. I experienced this same thing in South Africa there I fell in love with people that I didn't know their names, don't know if I will ever see them again and others that I found difficult to pronounce their name upon introduction. Some times here in Detroit I don't think that I speak the same language as some of my patients or coworkers, but I have fallen in love with the Veterans.
This brings me to the thought I love these people that I don't know but find it hard to love or show love to the people that can be closest to me. I even find it hard to say Jesus I love you, Lord, Father God I love you.
My mother always said to me that charity starts at home, what she should have told me was love starts at home, if I love some one that is not charity, it just from the heart ready to be shared. I have always been quick to give to others but fight, ridicule and ignore those nearest me. Maybe I thought that they don't need me, maybe I thought that they knew that I loved them, maybe I was selfish thinking what do I get from it and would they return the same to me, maybe I thought that there was no excuse for the state of things and that it could have been avoided. It seems that many of the things that happen in other countries, less fortunate areas of the US, MI or my home town have no control over things.
The hardest thing for me is to show grace and love to some one when I don't like them or I am angry with them. I can stay mad at some one for quit some time even after the attempt of resolve but normally this is only some one that is important to me. This does not seem loving to me. I find it easier to pray for some that I would deem as an enemy then to think to pray for some one that I have deemed to have wronged me.
My heart breaks for those that are in pain and suffering, but tend to be less compassionate to those I know, my family and friends.
I desire to love as God desires me to love. I hope to love and openly share that love, despite the vulnerability that I face putting it out there. I hope to love with out discretion and judgement.
I was sitting in the atrium at work on break there I can clear my head and speak to God or at least open my heart and mind to Him. Even if I am not verbalizing things I know that He knows all that I am feeling and thinking. I was looking around at the Veterans milling about, some with canes, wheel chairs, family members and just in my heart feeling love for these people that I don't know. I began to wonder how I can love people that I don't know and have never met. I experienced this same thing in South Africa there I fell in love with people that I didn't know their names, don't know if I will ever see them again and others that I found difficult to pronounce their name upon introduction. Some times here in Detroit I don't think that I speak the same language as some of my patients or coworkers, but I have fallen in love with the Veterans.
This brings me to the thought I love these people that I don't know but find it hard to love or show love to the people that can be closest to me. I even find it hard to say Jesus I love you, Lord, Father God I love you.
My mother always said to me that charity starts at home, what she should have told me was love starts at home, if I love some one that is not charity, it just from the heart ready to be shared. I have always been quick to give to others but fight, ridicule and ignore those nearest me. Maybe I thought that they don't need me, maybe I thought that they knew that I loved them, maybe I was selfish thinking what do I get from it and would they return the same to me, maybe I thought that there was no excuse for the state of things and that it could have been avoided. It seems that many of the things that happen in other countries, less fortunate areas of the US, MI or my home town have no control over things.
The hardest thing for me is to show grace and love to some one when I don't like them or I am angry with them. I can stay mad at some one for quit some time even after the attempt of resolve but normally this is only some one that is important to me. This does not seem loving to me. I find it easier to pray for some that I would deem as an enemy then to think to pray for some one that I have deemed to have wronged me.
My heart breaks for those that are in pain and suffering, but tend to be less compassionate to those I know, my family and friends.
I desire to love as God desires me to love. I hope to love and openly share that love, despite the vulnerability that I face putting it out there. I hope to love with out discretion and judgement.
Monday, February 2, 2009
too much!
I don't know the last time I have ever been so angry, and felt so demeaned, how do you become friends with some one who does not get you in the least and in fact you do not even get along that well? I know that I am emotional sometimes but sometimes we all need to be, we are not robots. I try hard to not be emotional with some people for fear that I will be told that I am wrong or being silly, I try to communicate clearly what I am feeling. I know I will not always be agreed with but give a girl a break there is obviously something going on. Lately I have felt out of control of my life and not in a good way, like God being in control, I feel disconnected even though there are people here.
I do not like my job and can not stop complaining about school. I feel so overwhelmed and I know some of it I have done to myself, but what about the rest. I have reached out with good response but sometimes I have to be careful to who to reach out to. I have great friends that have listened to me complain or talk or cry about the same things for months but there is only so much that they can do. I am trying to be strong I am trying to have hope and joy the more I try the harder it seems to be. I am so tired of trying so hard and being so angry for so long. Now where do I turn?
Sorry to rant, I know that my life could be worse but I hope that it gets better, and soon. I used to wonder how people that seemed perfectly healthy and intelligent could crack under pressure and here I am only 3 weeks into my second semester and about to lose it, maybe God is humbling me.
In the midst of it all I know that He is here I praise Him for all that He has done and will do, for by His grace alone I will get through this. I will miss some work, I will miss my family, I will miss out on South Africa this year, and I may lose some friendships that I will mourn greatly, and many things may change in my life I pray that I will be guided by the light of Christ and move forward in His comfort and graces.
I do not like my job and can not stop complaining about school. I feel so overwhelmed and I know some of it I have done to myself, but what about the rest. I have reached out with good response but sometimes I have to be careful to who to reach out to. I have great friends that have listened to me complain or talk or cry about the same things for months but there is only so much that they can do. I am trying to be strong I am trying to have hope and joy the more I try the harder it seems to be. I am so tired of trying so hard and being so angry for so long. Now where do I turn?
Sorry to rant, I know that my life could be worse but I hope that it gets better, and soon. I used to wonder how people that seemed perfectly healthy and intelligent could crack under pressure and here I am only 3 weeks into my second semester and about to lose it, maybe God is humbling me.
In the midst of it all I know that He is here I praise Him for all that He has done and will do, for by His grace alone I will get through this. I will miss some work, I will miss my family, I will miss out on South Africa this year, and I may lose some friendships that I will mourn greatly, and many things may change in my life I pray that I will be guided by the light of Christ and move forward in His comfort and graces.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
New Year
Okay so it's that time of the year where we all have made resolutions by now some of us have already broken ours. I want to commit this year not to a resolution but to a life change. I am attempting to be nicer at work particularly with the people I do not get along with. I caught and image of myself one day and realized that I would not love me, some times I am a pure bitch. Now I have had a rough week and have failed everyday with this but look forward to a every day being a new start. I also am going to stay organized and be more responsible with my finances and behavior.
I am desiring to fall deeply in love with Christ I have been searching for joy daily and forgiveness often. I was listening to the radio and caught the recap of a sermon the pastor was speaking of the love story between Christ and the church paralleling the major events of the NT to that of a wedding. Yes I have heard of the bride the bride groom and all but the way he recapped it gave me a picture of the what I desire most but seek here on earth.
I am also reading "Vintage Jesus" slowly I admit but non the less. The book referenced Hebrew 4:15-16 It just hit me so hard, again it's not like I have been taught this but the way it was written in "Vintage Jesus" opened my eyes to the humanity of Christ and that He totally understands me. I have sought some one to empathize, sympathise, and understand me and here He is at all times. What have I been looking so hard for.
So here is to a New Year and hopes to not lose what I have just realized.
I am desiring to fall deeply in love with Christ I have been searching for joy daily and forgiveness often. I was listening to the radio and caught the recap of a sermon the pastor was speaking of the love story between Christ and the church paralleling the major events of the NT to that of a wedding. Yes I have heard of the bride the bride groom and all but the way he recapped it gave me a picture of the what I desire most but seek here on earth.
I am also reading "Vintage Jesus" slowly I admit but non the less. The book referenced Hebrew 4:15-16 It just hit me so hard, again it's not like I have been taught this but the way it was written in "Vintage Jesus" opened my eyes to the humanity of Christ and that He totally understands me. I have sought some one to empathize, sympathise, and understand me and here He is at all times. What have I been looking so hard for.
So here is to a New Year and hopes to not lose what I have just realized.
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