stretching

It's funny how God stretches you. the last two session with my personal trainer have been exhausting emotionally and physically not sure with more, and yes I said personal trainer. we have been doing some very intense stretches the last two times and I found my self prostrate and crying, first I felt like I was going to suffocate, and I can not relax into the stretch. it's one particular stretch that I can not keep it in I don't know what it is about with this position. Behind me my trainer says what ever it is let it out. It's funny as I was really stressed this week and today that I was angry and upset about somethings that I was determined that when I left work was going to have a good work out and that it was going to be physicaly hard, I was set on running the bleachers. But I got home calmed down a bit talked to a couple of friends on the phone and just chilled. When we began the workout with a walk as usual it began to rain we saw rainbows and for the first time in I don't know how long I was not excited about seeing a rainbow, in fact I was down right discontent and well unkind and sassy through out the work out. I felt like I could not do what was being asked of me and that I did not have the energy to do so. My energy lately is else where and as we went through the work out and the stretches I was thinking about how exhausted, angry, frustrated and sad I am. As all of this is releasing during my stretching it occurs to me that the reason that I wanted to do the bleachers, as if it is not obvious, is that I wanted to muscle through the pain and be distracted so that I would not have to face my spiritual pain. "It hurts doesn't it, our physical pain is often related to our emotional pain" I hear from behind me. I know this concept I am very familair with the physical manifestations of pain I see it daily, I have even heard christain docotors speak about it and how they pray with thier clients for relief. I am grateful that my trainer was there praying for me whithout knowing why I was crying and with out me knowing until later that he was praying.

It hurts when God stretches us and reveals the things that we need to let go. I think, that I get what he is trying to show me, I know for sure that he is showing me that there are things I need to let go of, and that I am not releasing them.

God keep stretching me please.

So it occurred to me the other night that I had created this blog as a way for a few friends of mine and myself to communicate with each other and the world about missions and out reach. I soon after had to succumb to the reality that I would not be on the same mission trip as they and this became my blog. It has taken a transition into more of a journal which is not bad, but per the name it should be spreading hope and highlighting missions which has yet to do.
So here I start, I will begin this summer to work and save money as well as my vacation time at work so that I may return to South Africa this next April.
A friend of mine once told me that we do not have to leave this place, that we are on a mission here, in our everyday lives in our work. She and I both work in hospitals and care for people, having this type of job we are called to love those we serve and those we work along side. ( I know we are all called to love all of God's people). The people I serve on a daily basis are those that are often misunderstood, oppressed, desperate, judged, forsaken, forsaking, drug addicted, financially afflicted, and some times lost or seeking. No this does not make me any more of a Christian or loving person then the next guy, if anything I think that I often fall short of this command from God to love my neighbor as myself. I have lately been preoccupied by my own life desires and struggles, I now have to pull my self out of this and look to God for the strength to do so. A wise friend of mine wrote me once "Our humility before God comes by admitting to Him that we are powerless to change ourselves, but only by the power of His Spirit do we ever have hope of walking worthy of this calling. By concentrating our focus on our behavior, we are focusing on ourselves. By focusing on God's transforming power, we are focusing on God, and all the while thanking him and giving him credit for the work." I hope to be more in this place of humility and less in my own self centered life.

I am sad I have made a decision one that I have been making often lately. I have made the decision to take a break from certain things in my life interpersonal relationships, stressing out about some things, cutting back on things, elements in my life and diet that I am not responding to well. Decisions are always hard. I spent Saturday evening purging things from my past, objects that I have acquired over many years. It is draining physically and emotionally.

So, I filled out a profile on a dating website, yes I broke down I am now out there for all the Internet nuts to find me in hopes that there is a good guy out there. Any way as I filled out the profile one of the sections is "what do think a lot about?", what do I think a lot about? Of course being that it is a dating website I thought it not best to put out there as a single girl I think a tremendous amount about guys, relationships, family future. I believe that the whole lack of boyfriend situation is top on my thoughts list followed by God and the path that he has set for me and how close I am to it. Should my answer not have been that I think the most about God, how wonderful he is.

Surly my thoughts should not be consumed by things of this world.

I have not been sleeping well lately manly due to the offensive and ungodly relationship that has developed between my self and a coworker. I am struggling daily to hang on to my convictions and what I believe God to have promised me for a life and possible husband. Or I guess just what I think that God would want me to have. how does one separate ones self from temptation that lurkes around the corner and with in ones self.

I was talking to a friend on the phone the other night that at one point we were in a sort of unofficial dating relationship, I ended it the best I could, it took some time, I had had a sense that it was not right and that he was not the right person for me. But no talking to him on the phone I feel that he still has a thing for me, he has always been very complimentary, but now he has started asking questions and saying things that would refer to the two of us being together. He is a strong Christian man, kind and respectful and caring. is it strange that this started freaking me out a long time ago an done of the reasons I do not want to be with him, it's like he is too good, too positive. I am thoroughly turned of by him now, although I think he likes me instead I go to work and continue to play a game that is bound to blow up in my face unless I get a handle on it and go back to God. this man at work is egotistical, immature, even has a tattoo on his arm that says Bad guy. i have not wanted to believe that he was a bad guy I want to trust him, but I just feel that he is messing with me. No commitment, every other day he is distant or sarcastic (more so then usual) not sure exactly how to explain it. None the less I do believe that our relationship is based purely on boasting one another's ego's, more so his then mine. i found that I was truly liking him but have since really opened my eyes to who he is.

Sometimes we can actually have an inteligent converstation, which is quit nice; most of the time we flirt, he is crude and immature. Currently as I type this is begging for attention sitting only feet from me. I have discovered this that it is meaning our relationship is all about attention for him, talk to me tease me, encourage me, compliment me. He constantly is looking for who is watching him talking about him what have you. He found the weak link as feel for the cute funny and sometimes intellegent sides. then there is the man who he really is who may never settle down never have a strong sense of self and always have the ladies attention.

I wrote some time ago so I don't know if it makes any sense any more.