Sunday, November 30, 2008
I am listening to OAR again, it has become my anthem album for the time being. It seems to speak clearly of the last few months and a particular relationship that has plagued me. I talks about the difficulty of turning to and from the a relationship that is not right. I talks about how things do not have to change and that the two people can remain strange I see me and this guy exactly like that we did not have to change anything and we could have just stayed the way that we were. Speaks of trying to figure out what happened and "maybe it's just me".
Any way, reconciliation, of what I don't know, is in the process with this person. I am looking forward to God's will and protection as this person is reentering my life and we have yet to establish what the safest boundaries are. Part of me is happy that I was able to be honest with them today and that we were able to talk but still sad and scared that we can never be the same for if we do it can lead down this same devastating road. At the same time part of me wants to hope against my logic that the reason we keep doing this to each other is because we both care about one another and are so broken that we can not function. I want to believe that he is far more broken then I but is he. My head says that he is so not the right person for me and my heart goes up and down. i hope that with our conversation today we will see that I get over all of this and he and I move on with God in our ears with what is right.
Any way, reconciliation, of what I don't know, is in the process with this person. I am looking forward to God's will and protection as this person is reentering my life and we have yet to establish what the safest boundaries are. Part of me is happy that I was able to be honest with them today and that we were able to talk but still sad and scared that we can never be the same for if we do it can lead down this same devastating road. At the same time part of me wants to hope against my logic that the reason we keep doing this to each other is because we both care about one another and are so broken that we can not function. I want to believe that he is far more broken then I but is he. My head says that he is so not the right person for me and my heart goes up and down. i hope that with our conversation today we will see that I get over all of this and he and I move on with God in our ears with what is right.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
What a Night!
God surprised me last night. He revealed to me that He loves me, not that He doesn't do this daily, He also showed me that I am loved byand through my community. I was commissioned as a member of my church last night I excepted to go it alone like I tend to do with big things in my life. Example my baptism I was desperate to not be alone and yet those who could come came late. I was kind of down playing the whole thing not wanting too much attention and recognition. To me it was not about me and it did not seem to me that my role in the church would be different. I think I did this to protect me from feeling alone, if it was not a big deal then I would not have to celebrate by myself.
I knew that the people that I asked and I wanted there could not be there. When I say alone I don't mean entirely, of course there were going to be people there. I was surprised by one of the ladies in my small group coming prepared to speak and to share on behave of one of the other members of the group. I was given hugs and flowers from another member of the church that I have gone to Africa with; she also spoke words of affirmation and love. The most surprising and special thing that happened was my friend who could not be there because of work sent her voice recorder with another friend and had it played for the entire room to hear. This friend has gone through a lot lately and I feel blessed to have been able to be there for her, but even in her difficulty she found the grace to love me and lift me up to God and the community. This was so special and that our friend was bold enough to stand in the pile of people holding the recorder to the mic. To top it all I got to be commissioned along side a very close friend and share this night with him.
It was a great night as eight of us were commission I got to hear about others and what they have done to serve God and the church and a little of their stories, how they have affected other's lives through the love of Jesus.
After all was said and done I felt refreshed and new ready to love the world as Christ commands us to.
I refaced one of the greatest challenges in my life again last night and was angry, frustrated and at a loss for what to do with this relationship. All I can do is continue to have grace and forgiveness toward this person and ask God for the strength to continue to do this.
I claim a new phase in my life, I give the old to God. I look forward to greater challenges that will please the Father and not be self indulging. I hope to serve God wholly and lovingly through and with my church community. I claim blessings from God in His time. Lord wreck my life to make it fully yours, please grant me clarity and strength in the things that I struggle with, hope in the things I can not be in control of (which is pretty much every thing). I claim the love of Christ as mine and as my task to share with all I come in contact with. I praise my Creator and Savior for this life, grace, mercy, forgiveness and His blessings.
I knew that the people that I asked and I wanted there could not be there. When I say alone I don't mean entirely, of course there were going to be people there. I was surprised by one of the ladies in my small group coming prepared to speak and to share on behave of one of the other members of the group. I was given hugs and flowers from another member of the church that I have gone to Africa with; she also spoke words of affirmation and love. The most surprising and special thing that happened was my friend who could not be there because of work sent her voice recorder with another friend and had it played for the entire room to hear. This friend has gone through a lot lately and I feel blessed to have been able to be there for her, but even in her difficulty she found the grace to love me and lift me up to God and the community. This was so special and that our friend was bold enough to stand in the pile of people holding the recorder to the mic. To top it all I got to be commissioned along side a very close friend and share this night with him.
It was a great night as eight of us were commission I got to hear about others and what they have done to serve God and the church and a little of their stories, how they have affected other's lives through the love of Jesus.
After all was said and done I felt refreshed and new ready to love the world as Christ commands us to.
I refaced one of the greatest challenges in my life again last night and was angry, frustrated and at a loss for what to do with this relationship. All I can do is continue to have grace and forgiveness toward this person and ask God for the strength to continue to do this.
I claim a new phase in my life, I give the old to God. I look forward to greater challenges that will please the Father and not be self indulging. I hope to serve God wholly and lovingly through and with my church community. I claim blessings from God in His time. Lord wreck my life to make it fully yours, please grant me clarity and strength in the things that I struggle with, hope in the things I can not be in control of (which is pretty much every thing). I claim the love of Christ as mine and as my task to share with all I come in contact with. I praise my Creator and Savior for this life, grace, mercy, forgiveness and His blessings.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Praise God
Things have been kind of crazy lately school family and friends stuff. There have been a lot of emotions and attempt to reflect on things, but still not a ton of clarity. I succumb to let God take the lead. I found myself trying to handle and be in control of somethings that were not mine to control or that needed no one to preside over them in an effort to get things to stop being so crazy. Needless to say I fell apart in quite a humorous way talking to a coworker I just began to cry from being over exhausted and over whelmed from the events that have conspired in the last few weeks. Well all is good, God was there all along and I had no doubt of his presence of power to make all things well.
The team is meeting to go back to South Africa and I know that I can not go again for a while. The other night I was in bed and remembering walking into the Maffus's house and the sense of home I felt. It was more warm and welcoming then when I actually go to my parent's home. Maybe it's all of the anticipation in getting there or the presence of God in our midst and the hope that resides there. Working in the D I occasionally catch the smell of SA I can't explain it but it drifts by me from time to time. I get to share my experiences with co workers and patients most recently with a student. I am reminded of how fortunate I am to have been used in God's will, to have been in the presence of unrestricted belief, and true gratitude. There is this constant deep desire to return and a constant reminder that I can not for a couple of years.
I can't help but praise God in this moment.
We as Americans are embarking on what could be very interesting journey, being careful to remember that the President is not a savior but one expected to make decisions in the best interest of the people, often this affects the entire world. I hope that God has gifted Obama with wisdom, and that Obama would rely on God for guidance, and thus the affect on the world would be positive. There are many reasons why this election has been monumental I hope that the country comes together and surrenders any preconceived notions and superficial judgements and looks to a hopeful future, if in the event things don't improve as we Americans think they should; let us remember to praise God for everything.
I know that I personally struggled with the election. This is the first election I have voted as a Christian, there are so many standards and rules that a Christian is expected to abide by a certain ideology that is expected that we all adopt but this is all based on interpretation and what one deems of greater importance. I have my beliefs and sometimes I feel that they do not always align with God's commands, but I struggle. No matter which way you look at it of the major arguments surrounding abortion, stem cells, medical marijuana, gay marriage, there is no argument that is fully aligned with God. So what are we to do in a day and age where technology is rampant, and everyone is affected.?How do we manage quality of life and what determines good quality and where do we draw the line? As a medical professional I see a lot of people in pain and hope that there are ways to remove that pain, are the interventions we come up with acceptable to God or against Him?
The team is meeting to go back to South Africa and I know that I can not go again for a while. The other night I was in bed and remembering walking into the Maffus's house and the sense of home I felt. It was more warm and welcoming then when I actually go to my parent's home. Maybe it's all of the anticipation in getting there or the presence of God in our midst and the hope that resides there. Working in the D I occasionally catch the smell of SA I can't explain it but it drifts by me from time to time. I get to share my experiences with co workers and patients most recently with a student. I am reminded of how fortunate I am to have been used in God's will, to have been in the presence of unrestricted belief, and true gratitude. There is this constant deep desire to return and a constant reminder that I can not for a couple of years.
I can't help but praise God in this moment.
We as Americans are embarking on what could be very interesting journey, being careful to remember that the President is not a savior but one expected to make decisions in the best interest of the people, often this affects the entire world. I hope that God has gifted Obama with wisdom, and that Obama would rely on God for guidance, and thus the affect on the world would be positive. There are many reasons why this election has been monumental I hope that the country comes together and surrenders any preconceived notions and superficial judgements and looks to a hopeful future, if in the event things don't improve as we Americans think they should; let us remember to praise God for everything.
I know that I personally struggled with the election. This is the first election I have voted as a Christian, there are so many standards and rules that a Christian is expected to abide by a certain ideology that is expected that we all adopt but this is all based on interpretation and what one deems of greater importance. I have my beliefs and sometimes I feel that they do not always align with God's commands, but I struggle. No matter which way you look at it of the major arguments surrounding abortion, stem cells, medical marijuana, gay marriage, there is no argument that is fully aligned with God. So what are we to do in a day and age where technology is rampant, and everyone is affected.?How do we manage quality of life and what determines good quality and where do we draw the line? As a medical professional I see a lot of people in pain and hope that there are ways to remove that pain, are the interventions we come up with acceptable to God or against Him?
Monday, September 22, 2008
"Stepping Out"
Yesterday was AIDS Walk Detroit, I have to admit that I myself do not know and have never known any one personally who has been affected by this epidemic. I have encountered patients here in the US and Africa, at the VA and at Beaumont, but have not been affect directly. So I guess I walked yesterday for those I have come in contact with, for my friends who have family members who are living with the disease and for those struggling but have no one supporting them. It was beautiful to see how Detroit came out and supported the cause it was nice to see the heart of Genesis out and about also loving the community. I am grateful to have been moved to be a part of this, as I easily could have been seen as an outsider who has no connection to the cause. The event seems to be a time for reflection, mourning and celebration for those past, living and fighting the disease. I was particularly moved by the quilt ceremony, OK not the ceremony it self since I am too short to have seen the opening of the quilts, but when people were allowed in to see the quilts. There were prayers and poems, memories and pictures. I was able to get a sense of who these people were and how important they were to their families and friends. I was moved by the age range and the decades that the disease has spanned. If you go to the AIDS Walk Detroit website I think you can find out more about the quilts, but basically they were started when the first cases resulted in death the bodies were prohibited to be buried, so quilts the size of a cemetery plot were created in memory of the person now the quilt is huge and travels to different locations in segments.
I spent the time walking with a teenager who used to attend Genesis when we were at the Music theater. I felt this tremendous sadness for her and love at the same time but I did not know what to do for her other then have keep me company while we walked. I feel that she is having trouble at home and school, I realized that I have certain convictions in how a teenager should behave but do not have skills in conveying this properly. We talked about music and she talked about boys, school and her parents, while I occasionally tried to interject God into the conversation. But after the walk I left down town feeling guilty, thinking did I give her what she needed at the time did I do what God wanted me to do? I don't know, I do know that I found myself somewhat annoyed at times that teenagers are strange and wondering was I this weird. Okay I was weird I just don't think I was vocal about it. The only thing I can think of is that the only adults I was around were family and of course I could not say or do weird things around them. I propose that all teens are this strange, it's like the tree in the woods if it falls and no one is around does still produce sound? Well if a teen is around but does not say anything are they still strange?
I hope to see this girl again and see how she is doing. Please pray for her safety and God's will in her life.
I spent the time walking with a teenager who used to attend Genesis when we were at the Music theater. I felt this tremendous sadness for her and love at the same time but I did not know what to do for her other then have keep me company while we walked. I feel that she is having trouble at home and school, I realized that I have certain convictions in how a teenager should behave but do not have skills in conveying this properly. We talked about music and she talked about boys, school and her parents, while I occasionally tried to interject God into the conversation. But after the walk I left down town feeling guilty, thinking did I give her what she needed at the time did I do what God wanted me to do? I don't know, I do know that I found myself somewhat annoyed at times that teenagers are strange and wondering was I this weird. Okay I was weird I just don't think I was vocal about it. The only thing I can think of is that the only adults I was around were family and of course I could not say or do weird things around them. I propose that all teens are this strange, it's like the tree in the woods if it falls and no one is around does still produce sound? Well if a teen is around but does not say anything are they still strange?
I hope to see this girl again and see how she is doing. Please pray for her safety and God's will in her life.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Healing
So either I am doing better and have gotten most of the crap that I needed to off my chest or I am feeling worse since I have not journaled or blogged lately. I have had some rough days, busy with work and school family and friends, continueing to heal from the not so recently ended relationship and dealing with the every days of that. I have done some writing at home, mostly poetry reflecting this relationship. I don't know how good this is for me but it is what it is. Any way I am looking forward to the fall, getting into the middle of the school term, enjoying the weather, Denise and Mike's wedding I can't wait to do the flowers. I am looking forwrd to the holidays, Yes, I know that it is early but I am really excited I have already bough two gifts.
I have hope that this season will be better for me that God has some great things happening in my life and is bringing people in and out of my life and it's great.
I have hope that this season will be better for me that God has some great things happening in my life and is bringing people in and out of my life and it's great.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Water Drama
Oh it has been a while, I have had a busy week starting school on Friday and hanging with the family over the weekend. It was a beautiful weekend perfect for boating and jet skiing. It was warm and sunny the water was cool. However some of us were having issues with operating our jet ski's. Okay just my Dad and I. Never in 15 years have we ever had this type of weekend. Sure we have had days where the machines died or ran out of gas but my goodness, you would have thought we had never operated a jet ski before. It started when my father did a donut with my cousin's friend on the back but the girl did not correct herself to upright and ended up pulling my Dad of the machine; he however had failed to hook the safety to him. Needless to say the jet ski started to do circles around them. Then on Monday the best day to ride minimal traffic on the lake and the wakes and waves were prime for the jumping. Yikes did I biff it, I honestly can not recall what exactly happened, I remember seeing this awesome wake there were at least 3 waves, should have been great. I took the first jump, and opened my eyes to find myself up in the air vertical hanging on by one hand with searing pain in my left arm. Next I was in the water. What I have deduced to have happened is: I hit the first wave low and my body was forced forward against the steering column and my left arm, at this point I would have let the throttle go and close my eyes (this I have done before) but before the machine actually jumped and left the water the second wave came in and had to have caught the rear of the water craft, this is what sent me vertical (this I have never done before). I opened my yes looking down over the handle bars and as gravity never fails it pulled me down and my chin hit the column. I still have not figured out if I went straight down, but I feel like I did some kind of flip before I went under water. I have no idea where the jet ski landed, I know it was off to my right when I came up. No worries all is fine I am pretty bruised and sore still, I went to ER Monday night and Tuesday to be checked out and all is good I have a significant contusion of the ulnar side of my arm and a cervical strain that is resolving. I remember coming up out of the water thanking God that there were no boats and that it was not worse of a fall, looking for my father on his machine and swimming with one arm toward mine. Some how I managed to pull myself up on to the jet ski with both arms and ride a few more minutes. Are you kidding it was the last ride of the season and I biffed it early in I had to keep going until I could not hold the the handle bar any longer. Oh well there is always next year.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Pics
So you are probably wondering why I am posting pictures that are 4 months. Well one because I have just strated the blog, two beacuse they are the only pictures I have access to via the web and three because a friend called me last night and said that they had just recieved the post card I sent from Africa at the end of April. I have been thinking alot about how I miss the people in SA and how I know I will not be returning for some time. I did not transition well this year and just looked at some of the pictures that the team posted on the web for the first time, eventualy I will post mine as well. I hope that I did it right.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
New Old Blog
Look I found it and it let me in. Yeah. I am moving from AOL there are more options here any way.
So far blogging has been really good for me. I have been able to sort out some thoughts and feelings. I also feel like I am sharing but without boring my friends with some of the same stuff that I have been dealing with. I am sure they are tired of hearing me now they can all chose whether or not to be subjected to it all. Thoose who have viewed the old blog you will see much of the same stuff on here sorry for the repeat I just transfered it.
So far blogging has been really good for me. I have been able to sort out some thoughts and feelings. I also feel like I am sharing but without boring my friends with some of the same stuff that I have been dealing with. I am sure they are tired of hearing me now they can all chose whether or not to be subjected to it all. Thoose who have viewed the old blog you will see much of the same stuff on here sorry for the repeat I just transfered it.
Monday, August 25, 2008
The Passion
I watched The Passion of the Christ for the first time this weekend.
I shared with some friends awhile ago that back two months, June 20th to be exact, I had a vision of myself kissing Christ's feet. I did not and still don't know exactly what this means or symbolizes, but I felt that it was time to have a strong visual interpretation of the passion in my head. Like most people, I had moments of much crying. After the movie I had a greater understanding the severity of the last twelve hours of Christ's judgement and punishment. I couldn't believe that anyone would ever treat any other human this way no matter what they had been accused of. Keeping it real I wonder if the cinematic interpretation showed the true severity or over played it. I lean toward it being the most realistic view we will ever have. I can not help but go to God and consider how He supernaturally sustained His son. I can not fathom that any man could survive anything remotely like the pain Jesus endured. But Christ although flesh was completely God and I believe the father gave Him the strength, endurance, courage to continue despite the pain. Think of it; the will to survive so that He would die on the cross after being beaten with whips and flagra, that will for a man would not remain. However a valid point is made on a web site http://www.jesuspolice.com I just read that if the severity was to the point of Mel Gibson's portrayal why was it not described as so in the Gospels. I referenced my bible just now and it is true that Jesus was struck with whips and fists and spit on Him. Where did this picture of the blood shed we see on the big screen come from?
The Romans always beat their prisoners in a very cruel way. The law of the Jews allowed them to beat men no more than 39 times. The Roman law had no limit. When their prisoners fell down, the Romans picked them up. Then they began to beat them again. Sometimes they killed their prisoners like this. The prisoners' backs became like a field that a farmer has ploughed. Pieces of skin hung from their backs. The Romans had decided that Jesus must die. Now they beat him, by Roman law.
Perhaps from other historical documents that bring to light this information from http://www.easyenglish.info/bible-study/jesus-life/way_to_cross.htm. The soldiers also made cruel jokes about Jesus. They made him a crown out of pieces of sharp branches. (It is unlikely that Jesus wore this to the *cross. The Roman officer would never have allowed it.)
Okay, so maybe I got caught up in the argument, the first web site said that it doubted that his pain was as much physical as it was from the mockery. I think that His pain both cognitive and physical were not as great as the pain He felt for those committing such atrocities. These were the people he was saving and they did not know the pain that they caused them selves. He was not grieving for Himself but for us. So in the end I realized how much God, Jesus, loves me and what my sins cost. Whether the depiction on screen be true or not the visual was good for me. I see where the kissing the feet came from. Christ was there with me on June 20th and I needed to be loving Him but I was not and I continued to not love Him wholly for the next two months. I went to bed this past Friday begging God to not let me lose the feeling I had just developed for Christ; the feeling that I can not wait to be with Him to come to His feet and kiss them. I anticipate a great struggle to maintain this for the rest of my life since thing interrupt my focus but I sure hope that I can always return to this place.
I shared with some friends awhile ago that back two months, June 20th to be exact, I had a vision of myself kissing Christ's feet. I did not and still don't know exactly what this means or symbolizes, but I felt that it was time to have a strong visual interpretation of the passion in my head. Like most people, I had moments of much crying. After the movie I had a greater understanding the severity of the last twelve hours of Christ's judgement and punishment. I couldn't believe that anyone would ever treat any other human this way no matter what they had been accused of. Keeping it real I wonder if the cinematic interpretation showed the true severity or over played it. I lean toward it being the most realistic view we will ever have. I can not help but go to God and consider how He supernaturally sustained His son. I can not fathom that any man could survive anything remotely like the pain Jesus endured. But Christ although flesh was completely God and I believe the father gave Him the strength, endurance, courage to continue despite the pain. Think of it; the will to survive so that He would die on the cross after being beaten with whips and flagra, that will for a man would not remain. However a valid point is made on a web site http://www.jesuspolice.com I just read that if the severity was to the point of Mel Gibson's portrayal why was it not described as so in the Gospels. I referenced my bible just now and it is true that Jesus was struck with whips and fists and spit on Him. Where did this picture of the blood shed we see on the big screen come from?
The Romans always beat their prisoners in a very cruel way. The law of the Jews allowed them to beat men no more than 39 times. The Roman law had no limit. When their prisoners fell down, the Romans picked them up. Then they began to beat them again. Sometimes they killed their prisoners like this. The prisoners' backs became like a field that a farmer has ploughed. Pieces of skin hung from their backs. The Romans had decided that Jesus must die. Now they beat him, by Roman law.
Perhaps from other historical documents that bring to light this information from http://www.easyenglish.info/bible-study/jesus-life/way_to_cross.htm. The soldiers also made cruel jokes about Jesus. They made him a crown out of pieces of sharp branches. (It is unlikely that Jesus wore this to the *cross. The Roman officer would never have allowed it.)
Okay, so maybe I got caught up in the argument, the first web site said that it doubted that his pain was as much physical as it was from the mockery. I think that His pain both cognitive and physical were not as great as the pain He felt for those committing such atrocities. These were the people he was saving and they did not know the pain that they caused them selves. He was not grieving for Himself but for us. So in the end I realized how much God, Jesus, loves me and what my sins cost. Whether the depiction on screen be true or not the visual was good for me. I see where the kissing the feet came from. Christ was there with me on June 20th and I needed to be loving Him but I was not and I continued to not love Him wholly for the next two months. I went to bed this past Friday begging God to not let me lose the feeling I had just developed for Christ; the feeling that I can not wait to be with Him to come to His feet and kiss them. I anticipate a great struggle to maintain this for the rest of my life since thing interrupt my focus but I sure hope that I can always return to this place.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
This Week
Quick recap, my phone died Tuesday because it was exposed to moisture. How you ask? Well one person sort of knows but I can publish it here, I have no pockets in the pants that I wear when I go riding, and I always take my phone with me just in case need less to say the phone is tucked some where safe for the ride that happens to be against my body. Wednesday I had to drop off my car at the dealer to be fixed. Then all of my plans began to go to pot with getting together with some friends. So last night in my frustration I went to a park to sit and read and be alone with God I opened my bible to Song of Songs my goodness you really could look at this a couple of different ways but the thing that stood out to me was this passage and it is repeated through out the poem.
2:7 Women of Jerusalem, promise me by the gazelles and the deer not to awaken or excite my feelings of love until ready.
This hit me because a friend and I were talking about the culture with in the church that there is an immediate speculation and pressure in and toward new relationships about marriage and the seriousness of it. Just think when your girl friends start to date some one we as friends feed right in to or initiate the dream sequence of filling the desire to be joined with a man for the rest of our lives. Does this make sense? Now think about your head when you are in a relationship and where you imagination goes. But if we do not protect ourselves and our sisters are not protecting us but feeding into this dream it's awful when it does not work out and all are disappointed but if we could hold off until ready and the women is asking her friends may be we would not have so much pain in relationships. Not that I am saying dreaming and anticipating is inherently wrong, but I think that maybe well I know that in my next relationship I will stay more grounded.
So I walked through this park that I used to frequent a couple of yours ago. It is a most beautiful display of God's artistry. It is thickly wooded, there is a river that runs through it hills, tall grasses. When I watch the sun set from atop the largest hill I imagine God painting on a canvas a picture for me with my favorite colors. Years ago probably almost 4 now, back when I really thought I knew how to read signs there was a name written across the bridge in the middle of the park. This was the name of a person that I was struggling to let go of. Now a different person with the same name is in my life and the relationship I expected us to have has not worked out. So I walked wondering if the name was still painted on the bridge, as I crossed I felt the anticipation rising up wanting to bargain with God; knowing that this was not an effective strategy; I wanted to ask Him to put that name there and that it would mean that He would bring me and this man back together. The name was not there but I could see pieces of the letters the top of the J and part of the M right where I remember it being, I was not disappointed but felt silly that I would even think that I could will God to send me such a sign.
After I sat a while and the mosquitos had had their fill from my legs I walked back to the top of the hill and sat a bit reading a little more. I saw an older gentlemen tending to a modest flower bed beneath and young tree. My heart was in a place where it was longing for the kind of love that was conveyed in Song of Songs, the love God has promised, so I think that I was receptive to what this man was doing.
I saw a man today in the park tending to weeds it's a public park but planted beneath a lush tree was a modest flower bed. I wondered if it was a memorial or was he just a volunteer. Then a saw a plaque amongst the mulch. As I watched him diligently working I prayed for the love that I was sure he has experienced. For him to be there as the sun was setting he must have loved her abundantly. I am sure that she was beautiful and worth the back ache he would have later. He was quite and peaceful as he worked to make this simple place beautiful.
So what did I get from all of this I wish I could say that I found hope and peace. But I found myself overwhelmed angry with the weeks events and frustrated and even a little bitter not that I want to admit to it but there it is. Of course good things happened to a friend picked me up and drove me to work when I did not have a car and the next day God provided a rental car for, I felt awful because nothing was going right and the car and the phone that I had I was not used. Tuesday hang on to your hats LTG girls if you are reading this, I had a Joel Olsteen moment obviously I did not hang on to it or else the rest of the detail on the week would not have affected me. Any way as I returned to the Verizon store after 3 other cell phone stores and the the guy helping me was getting my temporary phone to work (the second one I had brought to him), I realized that God cared about the little things and knew how this whole situation was getting to me He provided me with a phone. I know it is small it made me think of the "parking spot", yes ladies I did pray about the phone actually it was more of begging Him to have it work.
ok so I fear that I am rambling now and have nothing profound to share at this time. Signing off.
2:7 Women of Jerusalem, promise me by the gazelles and the deer not to awaken or excite my feelings of love until ready.
This hit me because a friend and I were talking about the culture with in the church that there is an immediate speculation and pressure in and toward new relationships about marriage and the seriousness of it. Just think when your girl friends start to date some one we as friends feed right in to or initiate the dream sequence of filling the desire to be joined with a man for the rest of our lives. Does this make sense? Now think about your head when you are in a relationship and where you imagination goes. But if we do not protect ourselves and our sisters are not protecting us but feeding into this dream it's awful when it does not work out and all are disappointed but if we could hold off until ready and the women is asking her friends may be we would not have so much pain in relationships. Not that I am saying dreaming and anticipating is inherently wrong, but I think that maybe well I know that in my next relationship I will stay more grounded.
So I walked through this park that I used to frequent a couple of yours ago. It is a most beautiful display of God's artistry. It is thickly wooded, there is a river that runs through it hills, tall grasses. When I watch the sun set from atop the largest hill I imagine God painting on a canvas a picture for me with my favorite colors. Years ago probably almost 4 now, back when I really thought I knew how to read signs there was a name written across the bridge in the middle of the park. This was the name of a person that I was struggling to let go of. Now a different person with the same name is in my life and the relationship I expected us to have has not worked out. So I walked wondering if the name was still painted on the bridge, as I crossed I felt the anticipation rising up wanting to bargain with God; knowing that this was not an effective strategy; I wanted to ask Him to put that name there and that it would mean that He would bring me and this man back together. The name was not there but I could see pieces of the letters the top of the J and part of the M right where I remember it being, I was not disappointed but felt silly that I would even think that I could will God to send me such a sign.
After I sat a while and the mosquitos had had their fill from my legs I walked back to the top of the hill and sat a bit reading a little more. I saw an older gentlemen tending to a modest flower bed beneath and young tree. My heart was in a place where it was longing for the kind of love that was conveyed in Song of Songs, the love God has promised, so I think that I was receptive to what this man was doing.
I saw a man today in the park tending to weeds it's a public park but planted beneath a lush tree was a modest flower bed. I wondered if it was a memorial or was he just a volunteer. Then a saw a plaque amongst the mulch. As I watched him diligently working I prayed for the love that I was sure he has experienced. For him to be there as the sun was setting he must have loved her abundantly. I am sure that she was beautiful and worth the back ache he would have later. He was quite and peaceful as he worked to make this simple place beautiful.
So what did I get from all of this I wish I could say that I found hope and peace. But I found myself overwhelmed angry with the weeks events and frustrated and even a little bitter not that I want to admit to it but there it is. Of course good things happened to a friend picked me up and drove me to work when I did not have a car and the next day God provided a rental car for, I felt awful because nothing was going right and the car and the phone that I had I was not used. Tuesday hang on to your hats LTG girls if you are reading this, I had a Joel Olsteen moment obviously I did not hang on to it or else the rest of the detail on the week would not have affected me. Any way as I returned to the Verizon store after 3 other cell phone stores and the the guy helping me was getting my temporary phone to work (the second one I had brought to him), I realized that God cared about the little things and knew how this whole situation was getting to me He provided me with a phone. I know it is small it made me think of the "parking spot", yes ladies I did pray about the phone actually it was more of begging Him to have it work.
ok so I fear that I am rambling now and have nothing profound to share at this time. Signing off.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Response
In reponse to a web discussion on Amazon:
We are all human and by the grace of God are forgiven; at the same time because we are human we struggle to forgive others. We are not perfect nor are we expected to be only Christ is perfect. As a follower of Christ I am just that. I am not a religious person, I am faithful and hopeful that God the one and only true God; the creator who knows me and my heart and will be my judge. I will not be judged those in this country who continually disrespect God and His continued love and faithfulness to every human.
If we trust Him He will provide for our every need money aside. So should in God we trust be removed from our bills? I don't see how it makes a difference those who trust God will put their faith in Him in regards to their country and money regardless. However every time we leave God out of it the further we get from Him and His blessings.
We are all human and by the grace of God are forgiven; at the same time because we are human we struggle to forgive others. We are not perfect nor are we expected to be only Christ is perfect. As a follower of Christ I am just that. I am not a religious person, I am faithful and hopeful that God the one and only true God; the creator who knows me and my heart and will be my judge. I will not be judged those in this country who continually disrespect God and His continued love and faithfulness to every human.
If we trust Him He will provide for our every need money aside. So should in God we trust be removed from our bills? I don't see how it makes a difference those who trust God will put their faith in Him in regards to their country and money regardless. However every time we leave God out of it the further we get from Him and His blessings.
Love
I have designed my own web page on myAOL, and I have added many qoutes of the day, I really enjoy the love qoutes here are some of them.
"Love is an emotion experienced by the many and enjoyed by the few." George Jean Nathan
Unfortunately there are those who refuse to love or be loved.
"I think we have all experienced passion that is not in any sense reasonable."
Stephen Fry
I don't feel that reason and logice have anything to do with the passion of love.
This one is my favorite:
"Love involves a peculiar unfathomable combination of understanding and misunderstanding" Diane Arbus
I feel that this is kind of like the love of God, sometimes it makes no sense, others it makes complete sense.
"Love is life. And if you miss love, you miss life." Leo Buscaglia
I agree.
My friend sent this to me months ago and I really love what its says ans feel that this is message I have been trying to share with people latley.
No one falls in love by choice, it is by CHANCE. No one stays in love by chance, it is by WORK. And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by CHOICE.
"Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence." FROMM
"Love is an emotion experienced by the many and enjoyed by the few." George Jean Nathan
Unfortunately there are those who refuse to love or be loved.
"I think we have all experienced passion that is not in any sense reasonable."
Stephen Fry
I don't feel that reason and logice have anything to do with the passion of love.
This one is my favorite:
"Love involves a peculiar unfathomable combination of understanding and misunderstanding" Diane Arbus
I feel that this is kind of like the love of God, sometimes it makes no sense, others it makes complete sense.
"Love is life. And if you miss love, you miss life." Leo Buscaglia
I agree.
My friend sent this to me months ago and I really love what its says ans feel that this is message I have been trying to share with people latley.
No one falls in love by choice, it is by CHANCE. No one stays in love by chance, it is by WORK. And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by CHOICE.
"Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence." FROMM
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Moving On
I am anxious a good anxious. I have registered for school. I did not get any of my sciences, but I am starting with some interesting courses in philosophy and sociology and humanities. I start classes next Friday.
I just bought my sisters tickets to Wicked for Christmas, I have just spent a ton of money on books and classes. yikes.
Other then that things are going well, my life is moving forward. God please be my guide and my strength. Lord I pray that you will provide the finances and that I would not get anxious about anything
I just bought my sisters tickets to Wicked for Christmas, I have just spent a ton of money on books and classes. yikes.
Other then that things are going well, my life is moving forward. God please be my guide and my strength. Lord I pray that you will provide the finances and that I would not get anxious about anything
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Romance Blah
It seems that I am not the only one that makes the mistakes that I do in relationships. Which helps me to feel normal however still broken because these mistakes are not good and do not progress relationships but helps to end them. My comfort is in God that He will repair me and instruct me on the proper handling of relationships.
A friend told me that I must wait on God, to hope fot the promises that God has given and believe them in Christ. But I need to stop thinking that I know who and when it should be. I need to trust my Father that He knows best and His timing though not mine is perfect timing.
A friend told me that I must wait on God, to hope fot the promises that God has given and believe them in Christ. But I need to stop thinking that I know who and when it should be. I need to trust my Father that He knows best and His timing though not mine is perfect timing.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Romance
I walked into work today and apparently my coworkers were talking about me one of them their daughter was playing pretending to get married and I think that this made him roll a little but then the other was talking about how I am ready to be married and how I have been ready.
I am realizing right now that in God's time it will all happen, and as ready as I think I am I am not. I am a child inside sometimes when it comes to timing and what I want and romantic relationships I don't really know how to handle it any better then any one else.
Well more up beat; my friends are getting married and I am so excited it is coming soon and there is so much for them to get done. I pray that God be the God of details.
to top the excitement other friends of mine seem to be in really good relationship places and I am so excited.
I am realizing right now that in God's time it will all happen, and as ready as I think I am I am not. I am a child inside sometimes when it comes to timing and what I want and romantic relationships I don't really know how to handle it any better then any one else.
Well more up beat; my friends are getting married and I am so excited it is coming soon and there is so much for them to get done. I pray that God be the God of details.
to top the excitement other friends of mine seem to be in really good relationship places and I am so excited.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
