Instinct

Trust your gut, I often have heavy feelings, strong internal intuition that says that this/that is not right. I intellectually know right from wrong but like any one my judgement can be clouded. Some how I ignore this intuition and chase choices that can be difficult to deal with. I am going to be comfortable with my gut feelings and own them, of course there is always the fear that I could be wrong but if I place my trust in God He will surely show me the right way. I am a hopeful romantic and get caught up in the idea of serendipity, and spirit of destiny. I begin to read coincidences as signs that I believe are God sharing with me my fate, I historically am incorrect. It raining, a name matching, or the same course of action taking place, a common interest in a song or place does not make a relationship more probable or meant to be. This seems a paradox that I know what my gut is saying and yet get caught up in the fancies of a romantic comedy. I at this point in my life am vowing to not give in to the lavish idea of serendipity and roll with God's plan.
Lord protect me from myself, protect my heart from falling in love with love, protect my heart and mind from those around me that challenge my commitment to you. Lord help me to be strong in my convictions and sense of what is right, to trust that you have instilled in me an instinct and to trust it and own it. Let Your will not mine be done and may my decisions glorify You.

"Slumdog not so much"

I am no more blessed then any one else right? What counts me so special? I just watched Slumdog Millionaire and am daunted, if that is the right word, but not surprised by what happens in other countries to the innocent, the young the already beaten down and disparaged. I see these two little boys doing all that they can to survive, and escaping tremendous danger daily, I began to wonder how blessed am I? there is no way to quantify it. Did God bless me with letting me be born and raised here in comfortable America, where I did not "really" know about such horrible things as modern day genocide, human trafficking, drug cartels, poverty in it's most extreme, until I was in my mid twenties. Yeah maybe I was sheltered and naive; but my word does that make me blessed? Or did God place me here in America knowing that I would never have the strength, courage, raw intellect or faith to survive in an under developed conflicted country like India, South Africa, Ecuador. Now I realize that this is a movie but so much of it is true, the footage of the slums and the impromptu attack on people of a different belief, the vast difference between classes in India and children with out parents susceptible to the depravity of adults. I spoken with a gentlemen at work some about growing up in Indian, I also have the unique opportunity to work along side several people from the Philippines where much of the same is seen, as well as what I have seen with my own eyes in South Africa. people all over the world are hurting, yes even here in America, but I get to sit comfortably at my computer and blog about my thoughts after seeing such things on the big screen.

I know that I am blessed, I don't ask how blessed am I, to one up any one even if an answer were possible; I ask because I fear that if I ever end up in such a way of life that I would not survive. I hope that through the blessing of living in a country as a female I can be educated, have a career, live independently, have access to food and water and a toilette that is not a hole in the ground and private, medical care and so many other things that I may have forgotten, that I can be a blessing to others.

I might be rambling, hope not.

The point is I guess is that I just have to believe that God has a plan and He knows what he is doing. He uses us each differently as we all come from different cultures, educational and economical standings.

Psalm 13

Last night God shared with me His understanding of my heart, as I lie waiting to sleep I opened my bible to this passage, God showed me how I was hurting;

Psalm 13 (New International Version)
For the director of music. A psalm of David.

1 How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.

Let me highlight exactly what I was feeling, the verses just jumped off the page at me, I fell asleep with verse 2 resounding in my head and awoke at some point to have verses 5 and 6 circulating;

2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Daily I struggle with my enemy in the form of my coworkers challenging me, my loneliness, lust, anger, fear,sorrow, you name it. It all sits heavily on my heart, I begin to feel defeated.

3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

I beg God for clarity, for answers, for direction, for the things that I hope for and feel as if I have no answers. My mind lingers on the edge of reason and bargaining with God, which I know can not be done. I ask for His light before I fall back into death.

4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

I feel as though the devil is sitting in waiting, waiting for me to give up. Give up my life that is in Christ, my convictions, beliefs and faith. The devil gets in to my head in the middle of prayer and contemplation, he stands in my path, he speaks in my ear and dances around me throwing old and new temptations in my face. And here my mind settles on asking why.
Why have I not what I desire, why is God not answering me, who is to love and take care of me, why do I lack peace, joy and trust? Why do I make decisions that lead me away from God?

1 How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?

5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.

Who am I to think that God has turned His face from me? I have turned form Him. Who am I to ask for anything of my God?
God opened this passage to me and answered me, King David had no shame in asking for protection, guidance, to be near God or for God to be present in King David's own faith shaking turmoil, and through everything God did not leave David.
God wants me to ask ,He wants to answer, He loves me and wants me to love Him. He wants to be praised for His unfailing love for me.
It may not be clear how I got all of this from this passage but I know with out a doubt that God was coming to me in my time of need. I know that he knows, even if I don't feel I am getting an answer. He has not ignored my tears, my crying out, my words mumbled or my thoughts, and He compassionately showed me that He knows but did not reprimand me for my thoughts but that He understands.

action required

So I basically just wrote the same thing as my last post, what's up with that? Obviously I need to do something about this.

How cliche

How is it that I have spent my life looking for some kind of love when the greatest love was waiting for me? Now that I know that love it still is not enough, my heart has been acting the last couple days for the things that I want so badly but can not have at this time. Don't get me wrong my heart aches often for these things and for things of the past, lately it is just a bit stronger. I seem to be being confronted with ghosts from a former life, my life that was shrouded in death of sin, I was angry fearful and unwise. Wait I am still all these things so what is different? This whole face book thing has become not what I had thought, I feared that people that I do not want to hear from would be the first to find me, not as it they are stalking me but it was people I did not even think about, they meant so much to me back them when it was my life and my world. I see that they have what I desire most; sadly yes on any given day if you asked me what my greatest desire is 90% of the time I would say a relationship, marriage, children, 5% of the time I might remember to say that I desire greatly to please and honor God and serve in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ. I wonder how He continues to love me when I put Him on the back burner so often, I continue to try to have control of my life and understand what He is doing despite knowing that no door opens without Him, rationalizing most of my actions, fighting the strongest temptations and out of exhaustion giving in sometimes. I am weary of these battles, I get to hold some-else's child, I get to see others in relationships people I never would have guessed to have the life that I want and sad that I will not make it over seas this year. Frustrated with the intimate relationships I do build and it always ending up being with the wrong person, enraged with myself that I let myself be that vulnerable.

I seek the love which is right in front of me, forsaking it to fall in love with the wrong men in my life; thankfully I have also fallen in love with righteous people that help me to keep in line with Christ. I never knew that I could fall in love with people that I hardly knew, have only met once or twice, or people that live across the world. I also never thought that people would just love me. Not "just" love me but love me without any strings attached, without me proving myself or for being "perfect". I don't know how to accept this love, I struggle with accepting it from God, my family and even my closest friends. I don't express my love for others all that easily either, I am grateful for so many people in my life and I know that I have not told them, I hope that they know. I hope that my skewed perception of love and relationships is rehabilitated through God's grace and that I would have the strength to walk away when I know it's not the right relationship. I usually know it I get this strong ache in my gut that says run no this is not it and yet I let the relationship fester and I walk away hurt. Ick!

Lord help me to get a grip, some wisdom and strength, oh yeah patience is always a good thing to ask for, I shall wait on the Lord, all in His timing and infinite wisdom.