I am listening to OAR again, it has become my anthem album for the time being. It seems to speak clearly of the last few months and a particular relationship that has plagued me. I talks about the difficulty of turning to and from the a relationship that is not right. I talks about how things do not have to change and that the two people can remain strange I see me and this guy exactly like that we did not have to change anything and we could have just stayed the way that we were. Speaks of trying to figure out what happened and "maybe it's just me".
Any way, reconciliation, of what I don't know, is in the process with this person. I am looking forward to God's will and protection as this person is reentering my life and we have yet to establish what the safest boundaries are. Part of me is happy that I was able to be honest with them today and that we were able to talk but still sad and scared that we can never be the same for if we do it can lead down this same devastating road. At the same time part of me wants to hope against my logic that the reason we keep doing this to each other is because we both care about one another and are so broken that we can not function. I want to believe that he is far more broken then I but is he. My head says that he is so not the right person for me and my heart goes up and down. i hope that with our conversation today we will see that I get over all of this and he and I move on with God in our ears with what is right.

What a Night!

God surprised me last night. He revealed to me that He loves me, not that He doesn't do this daily, He also showed me that I am loved byand through my community. I was commissioned as a member of my church last night I excepted to go it alone like I tend to do with big things in my life. Example my baptism I was desperate to not be alone and yet those who could come came late. I was kind of down playing the whole thing not wanting too much attention and recognition. To me it was not about me and it did not seem to me that my role in the church would be different. I think I did this to protect me from feeling alone, if it was not a big deal then I would not have to celebrate by myself.
I knew that the people that I asked and I wanted there could not be there. When I say alone I don't mean entirely, of course there were going to be people there. I was surprised by one of the ladies in my small group coming prepared to speak and to share on behave of one of the other members of the group. I was given hugs and flowers from another member of the church that I have gone to Africa with; she also spoke words of affirmation and love. The most surprising and special thing that happened was my friend who could not be there because of work sent her voice recorder with another friend and had it played for the entire room to hear. This friend has gone through a lot lately and I feel blessed to have been able to be there for her, but even in her difficulty she found the grace to love me and lift me up to God and the community. This was so special and that our friend was bold enough to stand in the pile of people holding the recorder to the mic. To top it all I got to be commissioned along side a very close friend and share this night with him.
It was a great night as eight of us were commission I got to hear about others and what they have done to serve God and the church and a little of their stories, how they have affected other's lives through the love of Jesus.
After all was said and done I felt refreshed and new ready to love the world as Christ commands us to.

I refaced one of the greatest challenges in my life again last night and was angry, frustrated and at a loss for what to do with this relationship. All I can do is continue to have grace and forgiveness toward this person and ask God for the strength to continue to do this.

I claim a new phase in my life, I give the old to God. I look forward to greater challenges that will please the Father and not be self indulging. I hope to serve God wholly and lovingly through and with my church community. I claim blessings from God in His time. Lord wreck my life to make it fully yours, please grant me clarity and strength in the things that I struggle with, hope in the things I can not be in control of (which is pretty much every thing). I claim the love of Christ as mine and as my task to share with all I come in contact with. I praise my Creator and Savior for this life, grace, mercy, forgiveness and His blessings.

Praise God

Things have been kind of crazy lately school family and friends stuff. There have been a lot of emotions and attempt to reflect on things, but still not a ton of clarity. I succumb to let God take the lead. I found myself trying to handle and be in control of somethings that were not mine to control or that needed no one to preside over them in an effort to get things to stop being so crazy. Needless to say I fell apart in quite a humorous way talking to a coworker I just began to cry from being over exhausted and over whelmed from the events that have conspired in the last few weeks. Well all is good, God was there all along and I had no doubt of his presence of power to make all things well.

The team is meeting to go back to South Africa and I know that I can not go again for a while. The other night I was in bed and remembering walking into the Maffus's house and the sense of home I felt. It was more warm and welcoming then when I actually go to my parent's home. Maybe it's all of the anticipation in getting there or the presence of God in our midst and the hope that resides there. Working in the D I occasionally catch the smell of SA I can't explain it but it drifts by me from time to time. I get to share my experiences with co workers and patients most recently with a student. I am reminded of how fortunate I am to have been used in God's will, to have been in the presence of unrestricted belief, and true gratitude. There is this constant deep desire to return and a constant reminder that I can not for a couple of years.

I can't help but praise God in this moment.

We as Americans are embarking on what could be very interesting journey, being careful to remember that the President is not a savior but one expected to make decisions in the best interest of the people, often this affects the entire world. I hope that God has gifted Obama with wisdom, and that Obama would rely on God for guidance, and thus the affect on the world would be positive. There are many reasons why this election has been monumental I hope that the country comes together and surrenders any preconceived notions and superficial judgements and looks to a hopeful future, if in the event things don't improve as we Americans think they should; let us remember to praise God for everything.

I know that I personally struggled with the election. This is the first election I have voted as a Christian, there are so many standards and rules that a Christian is expected to abide by a certain ideology that is expected that we all adopt but this is all based on interpretation and what one deems of greater importance. I have my beliefs and sometimes I feel that they do not always align with God's commands, but I struggle. No matter which way you look at it of the major arguments surrounding abortion, stem cells, medical marijuana, gay marriage, there is no argument that is fully aligned with God. So what are we to do in a day and age where technology is rampant, and everyone is affected.?How do we manage quality of life and what determines good quality and where do we draw the line? As a medical professional I see a lot of people in pain and hope that there are ways to remove that pain, are the interventions we come up with acceptable to God or against Him?