Love

How appropriate that just days after Valentines day I read a devotional strategically dated for the 15th Titled Learning to Love, the passage that was referenced 1 Thessalonians 3:12; 4:9.

I was sitting in the atrium at work on break there I can clear my head and speak to God or at least open my heart and mind to Him. Even if I am not verbalizing things I know that He knows all that I am feeling and thinking. I was looking around at the Veterans milling about, some with canes, wheel chairs, family members and just in my heart feeling love for these people that I don't know. I began to wonder how I can love people that I don't know and have never met. I experienced this same thing in South Africa there I fell in love with people that I didn't know their names, don't know if I will ever see them again and others that I found difficult to pronounce their name upon introduction. Some times here in Detroit I don't think that I speak the same language as some of my patients or coworkers, but I have fallen in love with the Veterans.

This brings me to the thought I love these people that I don't know but find it hard to love or show love to the people that can be closest to me. I even find it hard to say Jesus I love you, Lord, Father God I love you.

My mother always said to me that charity starts at home, what she should have told me was love starts at home, if I love some one that is not charity, it just from the heart ready to be shared. I have always been quick to give to others but fight, ridicule and ignore those nearest me. Maybe I thought that they don't need me, maybe I thought that they knew that I loved them, maybe I was selfish thinking what do I get from it and would they return the same to me, maybe I thought that there was no excuse for the state of things and that it could have been avoided. It seems that many of the things that happen in other countries, less fortunate areas of the US, MI or my home town have no control over things.

The hardest thing for me is to show grace and love to some one when I don't like them or I am angry with them. I can stay mad at some one for quit some time even after the attempt of resolve but normally this is only some one that is important to me. This does not seem loving to me. I find it easier to pray for some that I would deem as an enemy then to think to pray for some one that I have deemed to have wronged me.

My heart breaks for those that are in pain and suffering, but tend to be less compassionate to those I know, my family and friends.

I desire to love as God desires me to love. I hope to love and openly share that love, despite the vulnerability that I face putting it out there. I hope to love with out discretion and judgement.

too much!

I don't know the last time I have ever been so angry, and felt so demeaned, how do you become friends with some one who does not get you in the least and in fact you do not even get along that well? I know that I am emotional sometimes but sometimes we all need to be, we are not robots. I try hard to not be emotional with some people for fear that I will be told that I am wrong or being silly, I try to communicate clearly what I am feeling. I know I will not always be agreed with but give a girl a break there is obviously something going on. Lately I have felt out of control of my life and not in a good way, like God being in control, I feel disconnected even though there are people here.

I do not like my job and can not stop complaining about school. I feel so overwhelmed and I know some of it I have done to myself, but what about the rest. I have reached out with good response but sometimes I have to be careful to who to reach out to. I have great friends that have listened to me complain or talk or cry about the same things for months but there is only so much that they can do. I am trying to be strong I am trying to have hope and joy the more I try the harder it seems to be. I am so tired of trying so hard and being so angry for so long. Now where do I turn?

Sorry to rant, I know that my life could be worse but I hope that it gets better, and soon. I used to wonder how people that seemed perfectly healthy and intelligent could crack under pressure and here I am only 3 weeks into my second semester and about to lose it, maybe God is humbling me.

In the midst of it all I know that He is here I praise Him for all that He has done and will do, for by His grace alone I will get through this. I will miss some work, I will miss my family, I will miss out on South Africa this year, and I may lose some friendships that I will mourn greatly, and many things may change in my life I pray that I will be guided by the light of Christ and move forward in His comfort and graces.