Inspired By

There is some one that has been in my life for the last couple of years and as time has gone on our friendship has morphed a few times. We have not stayed in one way long enough to define our relationship. We have struggled for the control of one another and of our selves. To maintain the life styles that we are each accustom to and comfortable with. In this neither of us is the winner but int he end have hurt each other. I wanted to share with you something kinda of cool. I know that this man is Christian but I also think that he has struggled a lot lately. He has been asking and talking about not feeling well, the symptoms he has describes I attribute to stress, but he is worried and this makes me worry. Anyway, Friday at the worship event my heart was broken by with my relationship with God lately and the relationship that I have built with this man. I was praying a lot that night for both of us. Awhile ago I picked up a worship CD that were being given away and thought since I have one I would give it to some one but not sure who. I felt Friday night that I should give it to this man So I left it on his desk yesterday with a note just to listen to it he later asked me about it. Today he asked me more about the disk saying he wanted to hear the stories of the bible not just listen to music and asked if I had any recordings of the books of the Bible. I just so happened to bring my CD case to work today and had a disk that a friend lent me along time ago of the Bible Experience. He called me and told me that it was exactly what he was looking for. I found two more disks in my car. I guess this is exciting because he has made some choices in the last year to not behave in a way that he used to, not because of me and he has never said it was because of God but I wonder if maybe God is using these decisions and our friendship to draw him back. It seems that with this relationship I have gotten further from God but I am so excited by this man's interest in God. I am not sure if this is coming out right. A friend said something Friday about people being in your life for a season and just being okay with it when that season has passed, this made me think of the reasons people are in our lives and maybe I messed up on the purpose of this man and I becoming friends, or maybe we had to go through this to come out on the other side different (in a good way) than we were before. Maybe just maybe he is not all to blame for my struggle over the last year, and maybe I presented a struggle for him as well, and maybe even though we struggled with the temptations we knew each other were safe that it was not going to happen. Yes I know I freaked out about this a lot. And maybe my continuous fight and proclamation of keeping my morals was a witness to him, I don't know because it hasn't been said but maybe this is what was supposed to happen or more like God is using the situation. None the less I have been praying and will continue to pray for both of us and our relationships with God.

I have also been talking with some one about my life and what can make it better to but it gently they have made me think alot about the relationships that I have had in my life not that this is new I think of these all the time but I feel different about them now. May be this person has given me some insight as to why I get into these relationships where I am so willing to give my self away to a person with out gaining anything much in return. They asked me about a spot filler in my search for a partner and I said not I don't want a place filler or meaningless dating as I look at the last three relationships and I use this word loosely that these guys are the place fillers I have given a piece of myself that I will not recover and they get my affection, my attention and so much more that they don't realize. My heart is broken each time and thus I made unavailable for a real potential suitor to enter my life moreover I am not available to my Lord. I have been unfaithful of my heart as I continue to pursue these relationships.
God bless this heart.

Musica

I have for years identified with the words or the sounds conveyed by musical artist in my more years the promises of God have been brought to life through the words of others and often that which I wish that I could express are also expressed through others.

Lately in church the worship that has been choosen is not evoking a response but is voicing that which I can not articulate. And thus I am humbled and torn my heart breaking and rejoicing, crying out to our Lord and feeling His prescence and joy in these times. Previously I was responding to the music and then God; you know how a beat can move you to dance throw your hands out or sing along, which is all good and still in celebration but I was not fully in it. But recently I feel like some one has looked into my heart and has taken a sample of where I am at with my faith and my relience on God in my life. Expressing the relationship that I desire, the joy and peace that I covet, the pain that I am carring instead of burying, the love that I so despeartly pine for and the anguish of my sins and the consiquences that have had on me on others. I see Jesus on the cross for every ill word that I have spoken, every lustful thought or action I have taken part in, every lie big or small, every glare or sigh in frustration, fear and anger that I let consume me, every indescretion self absorded behavior that I exhibit. And yet by God's grace He forgiven me all of these things and died for me. I truly truly do not deserve this I know that deserving is not what it is about but my God what you have done for me.

A song that I have been really conected to right now that is truly conveying what my heart desires is below:

NEEDTOBREATHE - Something Beautiful

In your ocean, I'm ankle deep
I feel the waves crashin' on my feet
It's like I know where I need to be
But I can't figure out, yeah I can't figure out

Just how much air I will need to breathe
When your tide rushes over me
There's only one way to figure out
Will ya let me drown, will ya let me drown

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

And the water is risin' quick
And for years I was scared of it
We can't be sure when it will subside
So I won't leave your side, no I can't leave your side

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

In a daydream, I couldn't live like thisI wouldn't stop until I found something beautiful
When I wake up, I know I will have
No, I still won't have what I need

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful (fade out)

Enough

God you have answered my prayers and those of my friends thank you God. That is enough enough of the drama the indecision and the mistreatment of each of us. You Lord are enough.

enough
enough
enough.